All ((My comments in double parentheses - Homer)) A LETTER FROM D. CD - 8 6 February 1994 Copyright (C) 1994 D. and Homer Wilson smith Redistribution rights granted for non commercial purposes. ((The following is an interchange between myself and D. over the past few weeks. Posted with permission.)) Homer, I have never written to you before. I tried my hand posting in a.r.s. but was quickly smashed. I just read your recent post about being on staff, and staff members giving you motivators, etc. And I have to thank you for that. I am in a similar situation. I was on staff for a while. I liked being on staff. I was, like the rest of my org, PTS and broke. But it was a good time. And I could read LRH and everything seemed like it would work out. Then we got this telex stating that Int management REQUIRED us to send four (of our 20) staff members for the OEC/FEBC course. ((Organization Executive Course/Flag Executive Briefing Course)) And there weren't that many of us who could physically leave the area. So after one of our staff members left, and was declared unqualified to attend ITO, ((International Training Org)) my twin on the TR's & Objectives course quit her job and went. Only two weeks later, I was talked into going to ITO to become a wonderful executive who would come back and handle everything and make life wonderful for all those who remained behind. So I quit my moonlight, and moved to Hollywood. It was there that I learned what real Scientology was. I saw the bad situation. I was at ITO where the staff there would only get beans and rice to eat for weeks on end. I was at an org where you were on course from 7 am to 10 pm. And if you should, gods forbid, need a review you could count on getting audited every few days, but only if you got the direct intervention of CMO ((Commodore's Messenger Org)) or a student from a higher org. But I dealt with all that, because I could sneak off and read tech vols or other books. (Admitted overts on my part.) At length, I did complete my Objectives, Student Hat, Key to Life, Life Orientation Course, and I started my M1 ((Method 1 Word Clearing)) But all this took 9 months to do. Plus the whole time, my family back home got more and more concerned (non-sci) and started to become a problem. So after I finished my PC on M1, (and was routed to 'ethics' (ha ha)) I blew. I got my little brother to drive the 15 hours from home to get me. and I drove home. After coming back ((home)), I talked to the ED and the D/ED ((Executive Director and Deputy ED)) for several hours. And I felt bad because I had let them down, and they helped me feel that I could confront the situation, again. So I was flown back out to Holywood. And I spent 3 weeks in 'ethics' again. (quotations used to indicate here a somewhat non- standard application of same.) I looked at the situation, and even after my sec-check (several hours of auditing all in one day!) I knew the game there was not for me. For this I was sent back to review, because I obviously must have done my LOC wrong (a person's HAT IN LIFE is not supposed to be anything other than executive, when you get your LOC at ITO!) this all happened in September. In December, I decided that I was going home for Christmas. I was still in review, and was put on other courses until my cycle in review was handled. (Again, ha ha) So on Dec 24th I went home. And I later told my org to make out my free loader's debt, because I wasn't going back to ITO. ITO called me Dec 28th (1991) and said that I had to come back to take my place in the New Years Eve event. I said no. Some kid from CMO Int called me the next day, and said that if I wasn't at the event to stand on stage with the rest of the OEC/FEBC students, he was going to declare me himself. And this scared me. So I talked to the ED at my org and told her the situation. She told me that he couldn't declare me, and that he was covering his own ass. So I didn't go back. Later I found out my freeloader debt, $19,000+ for my time at ITO. And another $8,000 for the tiny bit I did locally. It took me 5 months to get the Dir Income ITO, to stop calling my house demanding I send money. Now they just send statements each month. My own org left me alone. (They even dead-filed me, I told a few of them what had happened and they must have thought some of it their fault because they sent such a 'greenie.') That is, until now. In the last week, it seems that my org has a new FBO. ((Financial Banking Officer)) And because of her foreign accent, I'd have to guess that she is SO. She calls me every damn day. Her whole life's purpose is to call me and tell me how wrong I am not to pay back the $8,000 her job is to collect. She tells me how its not okay. And that I am ruining my 3rd dynamic. This brings me to my PTP. If I tell her to fuck off, I can assume that she (being the on-purpose **** she is) will invoke the "does not return in a reasonable amount of time... automatic declare..." clause. Until now I had thought that the Scientology definition of 'reasonable' would keep me from SP status. Now, I don't know. I dont really want to be declared. I haven't had to ever suppress Scientology before. But how can you tell your friends "Scientology can help," and mean it, if you then have to turn around and say "but if you get involved with it, you'll have to never speak to me or be connected with me anymore."????! If they label you suppressive, how can you be otherwise? Then I started paying attention to your postings, and I read the Capt Bill stuff. Now my question, to you is. Can a person who has been declared by the current church, get auditing in the Free Zone? How do you get materials? Meters and such? I read some of this stuff and get case gain, for the first time in 2 yrs. I have hope again. After reading that current Scientology might be a big, expensive trap (full agreement here on expensive!) I dont think I should pay them anything. I just want to know, can I safely tell these people that I have no plan to pay them any more money. Because I am almost certain they will declare me. Is it out-ethics for me to not pay my freeloader's debt? The contract says you must pay it before you can receive any training or processing. But if that is an agreeable limitation to one, is it still out-ethics to not pay? Do I have to change sides before I feel good about not paying. I suppose I could give them $5 per month. Having been a staff member, and having, I'm sure, dealt with this same kind of crap, do you have any advice for me? D. Dear D. I have received your letter, give me some time to digest it. You need to rehab what you learned on the KTL and LOC courses, and keep your own space clean in spite of everyone telling you that YOU are out ethics. It may be a very complicated mixture of out ethics on all sides. Your duties are to truth first, yourself second, and everyone else including Ron third. You can actually blow Scientology by NOT leaving your post or the Org if the Org is blown as a whole. Any criminal will tell you that you are out ethics for not letting him suck your blood. If you FALL for it, you ethics ARE out! Are you sucking anyone's blood, and making them wrong for not letting you? If not, then you are safe and will be able to tell right from wrong after the restimulation clears. Being able to talk about it with someone who is not dramatizing will help. Just don't do anything rash, most of the world's Scientologists are declared people in the field. Probably the first thing you need to do is declare a PROPER condition for yourself, maybe doubt eh? Then TALK TO THE FIELD, talk to Enid Vien, talk to Flemming Funch, Talk to Filbert. Just TALK TO THEM to get their viewpoint, see the tone level they are in, the humor, the reality, see if there is any agreement or as-isness taking place. Then go back and talk to your org terminals and see where they are at. This will give you a datum of comparable magnitude to judge each side against the other. You may decide there is a problem to be spotted in your Org or its upstream command lines, but not a terminal problem. You can get so swamped by lies and charge that you fail to localize the source. If the whole thing seems to be rotten to the core, THEN you have a duty to leave and re establish operating tech free from their influence. If you think you can continue to work in the Orgs, then you have a duty to stay. There are laws against credit collectors, you can also talk to a credit agency or lawyer about how to shut the credit collectors up, including your FBO friend. She is just dramatizing her job trying to win brownie points. She has no ability to BE YOU and see what you are going through and why. Mainly you have to find a space that is truly yours, and lock into the power that comes from maintaining your position in YOUR space. Many people are finding power by maintaining their position in someone else's space, which usually comes with a license to survive and ridiculous conditions of fulfillment and blind obedience. If you decide to leave the physical location of your Org, and the command lines of your Bridge and post, just make sure that you take the tech with you, because someday, as you apply the tech to the rest of the world, you will have to come back to where you left and clean it up too. Don't stop using what you know just because you have to use it on your own house (your Org), and have to vacate it for a while to clear out the aberration. As I said, give me a day or two to think about this, and you should consider talking to field people to get a REAL reality on what they are like. Communication with the declared SP is forbidden only to protect you from enturbulation. If you are in doubt about your protectors, then you HAVE to communicate and find out for yourself what is true. Are you reading alt.clearing.technology? If not you need to browse the archives at ftp.rahul.net/pub/homer/act/contents.memo. Download and read ADO1.MEMO and the CONTENTS.MEMO and what ever else interests you. I will get back to you. You can call Flemming at 1 818 774 1462, he is very friendly, he is an OT XVI. Filbert is at 206 453 8622, Enid Vien is 619 462 5160. Bob Ross is at 818 353 1209. I got some others, if you want them. These guys I know well. Homer Dear Homer, You ask: "Are you reading a.c.t?" Yes. In truth, now that I think about it, a.c.t. was key in my finding my current condition. Until a week or so ago, I was in confusion completely. Confusion on my situation in Scientology, in life, in everything. When I did desert my post in January '92. I felt that I had betrayed everyone. And after finding a F/L debt which in dollars is almost what I earn for 2 years of work. I felt a tremendous loss, in my mind, just the monetary amount made me think that I'd have to wait until next lifetime to do the bridge. But I do know of ftp.rahul.net, and in the last 24 hours my printer has turned out a large stack of paper. I will go though it. I will find what is out there. And I have assigned myself a condition of Doubt. As far as my debt goes, in the wog world the Scientologists have no legal way to make me pay it. They have no legal right to harass me about it. And I have been able to cut any comm between myself and the FBO. ((Flag Banking Officer)) My family is all too willing to "protect me" from the Scientologists. So for now I am safe, and have been able to regain my rationality regarding the subject. I think that I just had to find a terminal who would be able to understand my situation. I have plenty of friends who I could tell this to, but they would have no reality. I haven't been able to talk to anyone at my own org. Mostly this is due to reorganization there. I had the old management (and myself) convinced that I was just trying to make more money and pay things off, etc. But now the old ED is gone. If I were to make up a list of all the fucked up, off policy, out tech, and out ethics situations I have experienced in my 2 1/2 years of being on staff or at ITO..... Well, I couldn't confront it then. But when I talk to people at the org, or from ITO the message is, "Things are a lot different now." ( I am rambling. I am in doubt. I need to do the condition. I know.) Anyway, you ask that I give you a couple days. Not a problem. I will be busy reading issues, printouts from rahul.net, and I don't have anything else to do tomorrow but check out the PT local org situation. I still get off on surprising the hell out people. My just walking in to the local org will do that quite well. D. Dear D., Ok, I got this. Part of doing a doubt formula is separating out all the issues and doing a doubt formula on each separate one and all the parties involved. Yourself, your family, your friends, LRH, The Church, Your Org, Specific terminals in your Orgs, me etc. You may find that the enturbulation of one is bleeding over into others and making you doubt the whole when only a part is rotten. You also have to separate out carefully those who care for you but who, for what ever reason, don't really know what is good for you. They need special consideration because their intentions are good, but if you do what they say you may not be happy. If you do the right thing though, they may not be happy, until at least you can get them to understand, which may be a big present time problem for you that gets in the way of dealing with the real enturbulation. The next thing, in the case of situations where the 'good guys and the bad guys' are highly polarized and not talking to each other, such as the Church and the Field you may find that your own group will condemn you for even trying to talk to the bad guys. They will consider that being in doubt makes you in enemy, which of course is nonsense. This will usually be because someone has something to hide of their own, and they don't want you talking to the bad guys because you might find out something about the good guys and actually become an enemy. So they tend to declare you ahead of schedule. However you can not do a doubt formula from an ivory tower. You can not judge the Church from outside the Church, you can't judge LRH never having read him DIRECTLY, and you can't judge the field never having actually talked to them at length. It takes real live communication to determine the purposes, abilities and stats of a person or group. You can't allow what SOMEONE ELSE TELLS YOU ABOUT someone to substitute for direct communication. So when you talk to the Church, don't let them TELL you about LRH or the Field. When you talk to the Field, don't let them TELL you about LRH or the Church. When you talk to LRH, don't let him TELL you about the Field or the Church. Let each tell you only of themselves and show you what they know and can do. It's ok to use what others say about others as reference, but if you don't verify it YOURSELF you are sunk. Lastly, hurry is a waste of time with a doubt formula. From Adore, 'The Hurry of Impending Mortal Doom, Obscures The Hurry of Impending Eternal Doom.' This idea that all will be lost in this life if you don't hurry and make the right decision is other's way of making you make the wrong decision. Making the wrong decision can kill you, but putting the TIME constraint on how fast you need to make it is usually an arbitrary put there by people who don't want you to have any time to think. If you took 5 years to do your doubt formula, and 5 years to finish your Bridge, you would still be way ahead of the game. Just remember there are MORE Scientologists in the field than in the Church. The Bridge providers are very dispersed in the field, but they are ubiquitous. You might starve to death finding them, but its not like they aren't there, or like there is no Bridge in the Field, or like they will reject you because you are still loyal to the Church. Royalty is loyalty, so stack your priorities in a row, and start at the top and reaffirm your loyalties to each item in turn down the line until you find one that conflicts with higher ones. The lower one goes. You might consider the dynamics a sequence of loyalties, starting off with the first dynamic at the top, the second just under, then third. You can't have any dynamics if you don't have a first so it is most important. Your second is what gave birth to your first, your family and ancestors, so they are next most important. Your second is also what will create future first dynamics for you in future lives, your mate, your kids, their mates and kids etc. Your full second dynamic is this whole conglomeration of second dynamics where in life begets life, past, present and future. ((In Adore the second dynamic is not considered just sex and children, it is considered the whole chain of ancestry into the past and into the future. Your parents and grandparents therefore are just as much a part of your second dynamic as is your mate, children and grand children, and all of their parents, mates and children.)) Scientology, LRH, the Church, the Field, these are all third dynamics and comes next in the list. Remember that loyalty and honor is not OBEDIENCE. You can be loyal to someone even though you don't agree with their view of the cosmic all and don't do what they want you to do. Your duty is to your own reality, to do your best for all these people and friends and dynamics, even if they are screaming for you to do something else. People rarely know what's good for them, YOU rarely know what's good for you right? But you are all you got, so listening to them is an abandonment of YOU. Only listen to others when you absolutely can't make up your mind for yourself, and only then if life and limb depend on making a hurried decision. Then you pick your most trusted and knowledgeable and highest tone terminal and do what THEY say, if you can even get them to do anything else but audit you. Most good friends will give you questions, enemies will give you answers. That is just the auditing comm cycle at work. Friends question, enemies answer. If you want I will pass your two letters to me to various field members, some of whom have e-mail, but a communication to the 'enemy' may get you in dire trouble with your present friends, so such a decision to communicate must come from your own determinism, which is why I gave you those phone numbers, you can call them when you are ready and have the plan and the equanimity to do it. There are others though in Europe and the US who you might eventually want to contact, by fax or e-mail. I have a number of high powered Field OT's on line here, kind of staying Fabian, but the numbers I gave you are good starts because those guys are strong enough to stick their necks out publicly. Homer Homer, It is with pleasure that I tell you I have made a lot of case gain this past little while. In the last week I have been able to make sense of a lot of my confusion and I have a much better reality of my own purposes and goals. In the cd4.memo I read about a situation that I myself observed in the church. Management is run by children. Kids who never went to school in society. Kids who have no reality on what life is. It is true that they have no regard for the rest of the world. They believe their own existence and the existence of Scientology is paramount to everything and everybody. I cannot agree with this. I have a new reality. I have answered so many of my own questions. All those things which occurred while I was in Scientology that never had satisfactory answers--these do have explanations now. And those explanations are not very pretty. At the local org, they have 40,000 or so names in central files. When I was there last they had more than 38,000. But of those people, only 80 or so will ever come to an event. And of those 80 only a few are actually taking services. Look at the percentages. The field is at least ARC broken with the org. No doubt there are some who think Scientology is all bunk but what of the rest? How many people get blown away by the prices? I did at first. It seems that the effect of a Class V org is to ARC break the field. I know that the "Class V" org in A., had all of 3 staff members in '91 when they sent their ED to ITO. ((ED = Executive Director, ITO = International Training ORG)) And they still were supposedly able to deliver services up to (but not including) clear. Is this all the people they could find in A.? There was a fantastic report about all the people on KTL at the B. org, just after it came out. ((KTL = Key To LIfe Course))The reported figure was something like 200 people paid for service. Now there aren't that many people in all of the US on KTL. Sure it's a good course, but I don't believe it is worth the outrageous fee they ask for it. And if you have to pay Flag rates on it its $10,000. That is what they charged me for it. Plus, now the cadet org uses the KTL course as the way to teach grammar. (I assume they do, having been on course with the kids they were training for that purpose.) KTL is not now, nor will it ever be a substitute for "English" classes. My problem is with the people who got me on staff in the first place. These are people who seemed so on purpose. They work full time at the org for peanuts. Why? How can they look at what is going on, and not understand. How can they receive all these programs from int management and not say, "what the fuck is going on here?" Do they really believe that the people above know best? Or are they afraid of loosing their upper levels, or what? I don't get it. When I blew ITO, I felt bad about it. But not because I thought I should be where I was. More that my friends would be upset with me. They were supposedly counting on me to get through and come back to handle things. That is the only regret I ever had about leaving. When I left ITO I knew it was for the best. In fact, I later heard that my blowing brought changes to the org, it got the attention of management. Some kind soul even sent me the whole report on the situation. And I was told that things were changed. However, I have to question even that point. Because my twin C. who went there a week before I did, IS STILL THERE!!!! I cannot even get a comm through to her. All my inquiries get answered with, "she's done with the training part, and just getting auditing." The only auditing that is part of one's TIP there is FPRD. ((TIP = Training Program, FPRD = False Purpose Rundown)) Does it really take eight months to receive an FPRD? I doubt it. Especially since I've seen people go through the whole thing in two weeks, even in the "make it go right" Sea Org, where you can serve Ron all your life and never make it to clear. Things are just not right. I once had the audacity to tell the Dir Income ITO, who used to call my house, that I wasn't going to pay my F/L debt. ((F/L = Free Loader's debt)) I told her, "when I can be on staff and still afford to live; I'll finish my contract." Her only reply was something to the effect that I was out-exchange and that if I would just set up payments, my life would be better. (But she didn't call me anymore.) Later another person from LA, I think some CMO ((Commodore's Messenger Org)) person, called to tell me that I had to pay her the $20,000. I told her I had no money. And she then told me, "We found some out-tech in the LOC course.." Stuff on this line saying my LOC was done incorrectly. (of course no one ever offered to fix my LOC, if that was true.) ((They ALWAYS SAY THAT. "We found some out tech with your services", or "Things have CHANGED, now they are different." This NEVER changes.)) (My LOC course may not have been standardly done, though. I do have some problems with the course. If I could afford the $800 pack, I'd rip out the non-LRH data and redo it myself. You'd be amazed at the amount of PR bullshit in the LOC course.) From them all along it has been a no auditing, no help, no game situation. ITO is delivering OVERT PRODUCTS. Although I don't have access to stats Internationally anymore I can still show you an FEBC ((Flag Executive Briefing Course)) grad who now works as a Course Supervisor. Because his stats as the ED crashed his org. And I have knowledge of other grads from that time period at ITO. I'm willing to wager that they all have the similar problems. Another FEBC, who I was at ITO with, came on mission to my org. While he was here, he got it into his head to "handle" me. But he was the most feeble executive I have ever seen. Despite his impressive white and gold uniform, despite his FEBC cert, despite the way all the staff and public were afraid of him, he couldn't handle me or anyone else. I'll confess one of my more evil deeds here. I did not want to talk to him at all. I did not want anyone on my case about not being on staff. Yet he persisted. And he started causing problems by calling all the time. So I finally gave in to his idea that we should meet and discuss the situation. So later that night, I went up to the org. I did this just late enough that the public and most of the staff would be gone. This would leave the missionaries and a few execs, the only people there. And the execs would be rushing around trying to keep the missionaries happy. Plus the missionaries would be trying to get all their telexes sent regarding their day's progress. In this way I knew I would not be up against an interrogation, I was almost certain that they wouldn't expect me to show up anyway. When I got there this guy who had been calling me turned out to be the mission leader (or whatever they call themselves) and he talked to me personally. But he didn't handle me. I assured him that I had gotten case gain and that I still thought of myself as a Scientologist You know the usual "are you an SP?" stuff. I did get in comm with him and for a while I even thought that he was going to help me. I still had the same purpose, and everything. I still had faith that the "FEBC evolution" would in fact be what was needed to clear the planet, expand orgs, and just generally make things great. If he would've even given me the idea that he and other FEBCs were handling things, I was prepared to jump back on staff. He gave me no such indication. He came across as a complete asshole. I told him that I wanted to pay my debt (I did) but that I could not see how I could come up with $20,000 any time in the near future. He said I should join staff. I told him that I would not join staff if it meant that I had to moonlight nights and weekends like I had done before. He told me not to worry because HE was there, and everything would be okay. I had to call him on that bullshit right there and then. I asked how many staff members there were now. He was more than proud to tell me how HE had gotten 5 full-time contracts signed since he arrived. Then I blew his airy-fairy attitude of "everything will be okay." I asked what the GI ((Gross Income)) was for that week. (By knowing the GI and the number of staff, one can figure one's pay.) He suddenly realized that I wasn't going to be taken in by his bullshit. He got just the slightest bit defensive. And this is where I started to doubt that he was not going to help me. He had tried to get me to go along with good PR. HEY! I have been duped enough times already by "good PR." I started to blow him off. I let him know that I intended to leave. He started talking to me about how I should join the SO. About how wonderful it was, how survival it is. (BULLSHIT!!! I have seen the way people live in the SO. It is survival for Scientology, maybe. But even the idea that I might possibly have to exist on beans and rice? No buddy, that doesn't fit anywhere in the survival scale for me. To work hard is one thing. To live a semi-militant life, having my whole existence subject to another's orders, never being alone, always being at odds with the group-think. No no no no no no no no no. I will not submit. And even the idea that I might have kids, who would have to then attend the cadet org!!!! OH MY GOD, NO! The S in SO is SLAVERY. I know plenty of long time SO members. And how far are they on the bridge? Only as far as they were when they joined the SO!! If you had to subject yourself to the master to attain freedom, that is one thing. But to enslave yourself to the whims of group-think, with only a hope of being free? BULLSHIT!!!) And then he tried to sign me up! By this time I knew he was no help. I politely told him no. I said I had other fish to fry. Then he changed his whole line. He started to tell me how he didn't think I was suppressive, and that I would do the right thing. But then he gave me an opportunity to be evil. He went totally out- tech! He did his own version of a blown student assessment form! And he explained it real neat, "This is not auditing, but I want to find out why you REALLY left ITO." And then he went on, "I know you didn't get very far on your TIP. How far did you get?" So I told him, "I only got to my M1." ((Method 1 Word Clearing)) And I READ HIS MIND as he thought, "Ah good. He wont know the policy, he wont realize that this should be done by an auditor. I won't have any problems with this." This is the only instance where I can honestly say I have clearly read someone's mind. I can normally get an idea of what someone is thinking and feeling. But I cannot clearly read thoughts. And I let him do his thing. I answered his questions. And then I intended to, and did miss his withhold. Just so he would leave me alone. Just so he wouldn't want to talk to me. Just so he wouldn't want anyone else to talk to me. I did it to be left alone. How evil is it to intentionally miss someone's withhold? Or is it evil at all? Since I know about M/W/H phenomena, is that just another tool? I believe it is okay to use force in a just cause. But is that a justified use of force? On the one hand, I could say "hey, I don't know if what he did was out-tech. He did it. It is his withhold. It is his own damn fault. Plus I know that he got sec-checked on completion of his mission. Surely they would have pulled it. And it did get him off my case." On the other hand, I am afraid of justifying the situation. I think, "Would I want someone else to do that to me?" No. But I also think that something like that would not happen to me. I would not knowingly go out-tech. And knowing about missed withholds, I try to follow the clean hands clean heart way of life. There have been times when I caught myself telling a lie and the other person seemed to miss it. In that case I confess directly, or I make up more and more outlandish shit on the same line until I am certain the other person knows it was a lie. And then everybody gets a laugh. So I personally feel impervious to that kind of attack. And I know in New Slant on Life, it says you can do anything that you could yourself experience easily. But I don't know. I cant help but think, that I should have a higher standard than that. I wish I had the strength of character to call things as they are. I wish I were able to, in the same situation, tell someone, "Hey, asshole, I wont go into agreement with you on this. I wont pretend that I think you can help me. And I wont let you believe that you are helping me." But I am too afraid to do it. In the rest of the world I could. At work I could easily put someone in their place. I don't grant anyone the power to affect me. And furthermore, I care enough about everyone else not to fuck with their minds. Come to think about it. I have serious problems standing up to anyone in a uniform. Police, Military, Sea Org, even a fucking full dressed Scout Master have given me troubles. There may be more to this. I didn't really intend to spend 2 hours writing this. I didn't intend to pile all this on your plate. I had a point to all this when I started. But, oh well. I will send this anyway. I have tried twice before, to tell you of my progress. But both attempts turned into "look what those bastards have done to me." And I didn't want to send them. I feel much better just having typed them into my computer. One was all about my adventure with the KTL and LOC courses. The other was complete entheta which I was going to send but then realized that I had inflated the truth a bit. And I have raised my own standards. I am ME. I will not ever let anyone say otherwise. I can make my OWN decisions. I do not need anyone's approval for what I do or have done. I have the right to live in any condition I choose. If I want to stay in doubt forever, I CAN. No one can MAKE me change my condition. Not the SO, not Scientology, not my parents, not my friends. (Not that I want to be in doubt forever, but the idea that some dildo with an Ethics Hat can "push" me up the conditions, is false. Conditions are used on one's own determinism.) These are statements of my own reality. Having gone the effect of these previously, I resolve not to compromise with my reality again. (How I misjudged the importance of the Code of Honor. I just never had a reality on it before. No reality on Honor. I couldn't even understand the Code of Honor the first time I ran across it. That I can apply it now shows how far I have come.) D. Dear D., This is great D. Please keep me informed of further cognitions and resolutions. You know I will tell you the scariest thing I have learned from talking with you. When I was with Scientology in 1976 things were still sane, decent and somewhat human. It was tough and no nonsense, but it wasn't really insane. But it was on the verge of not working, the tech was GONE, the C/S really didn't know what they were doing but they were still riding the wave of the first 20 years of success. The people there were real human beings who had lived in the wog world for most of their lives and could go back to it if they had to. Now you talk about the kids in the Orgs who have no wog experience. It is almost like a new class of citizen is being made that is so out of contact with the real world that they might not be able to make it in the real world if the Church should ever fail financially. I wonder if they have any clue as to how close to the brink of disaster they are. I am sure you know there are a lot of people who have or are going through what you are going through. It is heart rendering to have the dream stepped on so hard, especially when you know the dream is true. The hardest thing for me, even in 1976, was not knowing there was an alternative, I didn't know the field existed. I knew that OT's would 'blow', but where the hell did they go? Even after I was routed off, I STILL didn't know about the field for years and years, until about 1985. I was all alone. Then I find out the field is alive and well and fighting like hell with the Church and always had been. And where the hell had I been during all that time? Hiding in my squirrel hole, nursing my wounds ALONE, figuring there WAS no one else, that's where. I had this stupid computation that I was the only person who had blown who was still interested in the tech and making it go right. You think I could have been any more wrong? God, there is a lot of charge on this. Sometimes just knowing that there are alternatives is enough to keep people going and operating IN the Church, even if they think it is a lost cause, because they know they can make it go right elsewhere should all be lost. Knowing there is an elsewhere allows them to REMAIN where they are with less desperation and hopelessness, and they make better decisions while they remain because they are not so frantic and they remain on their own determinism, just because they CAN leave. Having an other place to be that you can be and want to be allows a person to remain where he is for longer and maintain his sanity and do the right thing. When people have an alternative to staying they are more free to choose to stay and act sanely. When people think they HAVE to stay, they begin to panic when they realize they don't want to stay because its a sinking ship. The guy who thinks he can get off the ship safely before it sinks is much more likely to stay on the ship to the last minute in a cool, calm and rational fashion, than the guy who thinks he has no alternative but to sink with the ship, and he will jump ship as soon as possible over other people's dead and trampled bodies. Thus the existence of the field and awareness of the field in people's mind who are still in the Church provides a powerful buffer for them to REMAIN in the Church for as long as they can and do their best for the Church. It is a tragic waste for them to live so long under such duress under the fear that there is no alternative. People do not make good decisions in panic or desperation. Just knowing about the field can be enough to cool out the panic and desperation just enough to maybe pull the Church around. Thus for me it is critical FOR THE SURVIVAL OF THE CHURCH that people in the Church know about the field. It might keep a few from going nuts. Your write up to me is quite brilliant, and I would like you to consider the possibility some time in the future of posting it to the net, either with or without your name attached. There is no dishonor to anonymity. I can post it for you if you wish, along with this response, no name attached. Give it a thought, and keep me informed. Homer Homer, If you believe that others will be helped by reading the information I have been sending to you, and you are willing to remove any names mentioned I grant you permission to post my write-up to the net. The information in my write-up will no doubt be recognized as me. I am sure that a.r.s. and a.c.t. are read daily by terminals in the church. However, I am prepared for any action the church might take against me. I do still hope that a way can be found to turn the church into what the PR says it is. And if I find a way to help that, I will. Can the church be saved? I have met some very wonderful people in the church. People who really could make things go right. People who truly care about helping this planet out. The only question is: Do all the people who are still in the church have enough responsibility to handle it. Is the church making OTs who are OT enough to divert the self-destruct path of Scientology. Please include this when you post. D.