ARC BREAK WITH SOURCE

      Being 100 percent ARC broke or debonded, with all of existence, it
is hard for me to conceive that everyone else is not also in the same
state.

      I am so ARC broke, that my body is literrally dying of it.

      It's tempting to say, well Homer, maybe you are ARC broke,
because you feel so bad all day long, if only you felt good in your
body, then you wouldn't feel so bad about your future etc.

      Drugs led to that route, because they make you feel good no matter
what is going on.  But eventually you see through it.

      And I gotta look at it, a lot of people who 'feel good' seem to be
for the birds, you know what I mean?

      So I figure I should look at it the other way around, my body is
dying, because my spirit is 100 percent out of affinity, reality and
communication with what is.

      That would be enough to kill anyone, right?

      "Homer, take some responsibility!"

      Right.  Take some responsibility for what?  For being here?

      Sorry, that's too alien for me.

      Lots of people claim to be happy, claim to conceive an endlessly
beautiful future, claim to be satisfied with their lot in life, etc, but
they also seem to adorn themselves with small minded views of how they
got here and where they are and where they are going, and they have
interesting justifications about the mess everyone else is in.

      They seem to be operating a make right, similar to a make wrong,
but its a way to make everything OK, when it isn't.

      It's called whistling past the grave yard.

      They can't be audited out of it, because then they are back in
their death forever or hell forever mentality that they are just sure
they can never handle.

      One of the things that the proof did for me was get rid of all of
the make rights.  That of course leaves me face to face with the raw
fundamental make wrong of all that is.

      I try to go find some comfortable view of the cosmic all, but the
Proof keeps saying "Yeah right, lie to me some more why don't you."

      So the 'better' I get, the worse I get because the more I see that
things are just 'fundamentally' unacceptable.

      Presumably this fundamental unacceptability is based on a lie, an
alteris of a fundamentally acceptable higher truth, but I am not sure,
and that sources a tremendous amount of fear.

      I see the horror.

      Where is the humor?

      No Peace.

      Basically I can not reconcile what is with what I want.

      I am so far gone on this problem that I can no longer even conceive
what I want.

      What wants I can dredge up seem irrelevant in the face of the
Ascension Experiences, AE's, that I have gone through over 30 years.

      I just want it all to end and to never have been.

      I have managed to wrap a cocoon around myself of comfortable
numbness.  Here I can hope, pray and pretend that there is a comfortable
solution to my dilemma, I am plagued by the fear that there might not be
such a thing, although hope and some of my lower visions shows me that
there might be such a thing.

      But the higher visions of beauty tell me all is lost.

      Who can withstand that much joy?

      But hope is doubt, and doubt is self casting, doubt on these
matters generates enough poison feeling to kill anything let alone
little old me.

      So I fear to find out, lest I doubt more.  The comfortable numbness
of not knowing and hoping is better than facing the cold stark terror of
the possibility that pretended death forever is the only alternative to
hell forever.

      Truth is insufferable, so we choose to live in comfortable
delusion instead.

      I can hear the tittering of the butterflies now, they can not take
this seriously.

      Nor could they create the situation.

      And don't ever hope to be audited out of it by someone who
has never been there and returned to tell the tale.

      Homer

Fri Mar 25 15:02:06 EDT 2016