SUPPRESSED UNEXPRESSED RESENTMENT

                                 ADO - 10
                              31 August 1993

                  Copyright (C) 1993 Homer Wilson Smith

      You are a Sovereign Desire Unit.

      Sovereign Desire means YOU WANT IT, YOU GOT IT.

      From this vantage point the being creates limitations for himself
and others, in concert with their Sovereign Desires, in order to create
a game.

      This is called Majesty.

      Majesty means Master of Jest, master of practical jokes, for self
limitations are majestic practical jokes of magnitude.

      J.E.S.T stands for Jokes of Eternal Self Treason
      J.E.S.T stands for Justice of Eternal Self Truth

      As long as a person is aware of these limitations as creations of
his own Sovereign Desire, then he can maintain his sense of Sovereignty
and Good Humor, inspite of surprise, and still have a game.

      However he can also choose to lose his sense of Sovereignty which
means run into a limitation that he thinks he didn't make.  This creates
an upset of magnitude, but also creates a game of magnitude.

      Thus you get into philosophies that run something like, 'God made
me, I had no choice in the matter, I didn't ask to be put here and I
don't know what the hell is going on, and if He don't treat me nice I'm
never going to talk to Him again.'

      Or 'The physical universe made me, I who am alive, conscious and
caring, have been created by dead cold matter who cares not at all what
it has made, and looks after the well fare of its creatures even less'

      So you get these 'Hell forever' or 'Death forever' philosophies
that everyone around you is so fond of.  It is the cross they bear and
their burden in life.

      These philosophies are the idols of stone and graven images that we
are allegorically warned to not follow nor bow down to.

      'Have no God before Me' is TRUTH speaking to you ABOUT God, be that
God some Sick Joker in Heaven, or Time Stone and Dust in the Wind.

      Sovereign Desire Units can effect each other, but only if they
desire to be so effected.  Thus you can desire that someone else will
experience something and they will.  You can desire that they be, do or
have something and they will.  You can even desire that they desire
something and they will as long as everyone is agreed.  Sovereign Desire
will create it all for you in the blink of a wishful eye.

      Thus, as I said, you can desire that someone else will desire
something and they will.  Or someone can desire that you desire
something and you will.

      In this way beings can indulge in the mimicry, harmony,
counterpoint and new beat of the jam session of life.

      However in this way too can serious conflict be created when you
try to create a desire in someone that goes against or opposes another
desire that he already has.

      This can get you into desiring that other beings NOT desire
something so that they will respond to the desires you wish them to
have.

      In this context, 'desire' and 'want' are the same thing.

      You can want a girl.

      You can want a girl to want you.

      You can want a girl to want you to want her.

      You can want a girl to not want someone else.

      She can not want you.

      She can want you to not want her.

      She can want you to not want her to not want someone else.

      An overt act occurs when you try to instill in another being a
desire that goes against their basic purpose or fundamental underlying
desire in existence.

      If the thrust of their Sovereignty is to head North, and you try to
get them to head South, you are bound to get into a war of Sovereign
Desires.

      Its fine if you try to get them to head slightly off course to meet
you in a nice scenic spot for lunch and a chat about good times over
good wine.  Especially if the detour enhances their existence and does
not detract more than it is worth from their original heading.

      In this way Sovereign Units can interact and enhance each other's
survival and existence with out sacrificing their Sovereignty any more
than necessary to interact with others in a pleasant way.

      But try to recruit a Sovereign Unit into a war that he has no
interest in just because the death and slaughter benefits you
financially, and boy will you get some protest.  When two Sovereign
Units get to fighting with each other, you had better watch out, they
tend to take the whole playing field down with them.

      Since Sovereign Units can not die, nor actually even be permanently
damaged, it is quite interesting to watch them fight 'to the death' over
a luscious woman or some such thing.

      The loser always comes back to continue the war in another body.
That's why executing criminals is so stupid, they come back as your
children or worse as your mother.

      You do not want someone who has recently been executed as a
criminal for a mother.

      More down to earth, the Sovereign Wars that take place between
Parent and Child are legion.  They are no less violent, except that most
of it happens covertly on the mental plane, but the war wounds are just
as serious and just as lasting.

      And between parent and child there is a tremendous amount of trying
to hurt the other guy by hurting yourself.

      You want to cut off their heads with a chain saw, but you can't
because you are too small and tiny, so you go up to them and cut off
your OWN head with a chain saw.  That'll teach them.  It does too.  The
problem is you are walking around without a head for the rest of time.

      There is often a failure to compute acceptable losses accurately in
these wars, so people enter the zone of the walking dead, and carry
around all their childhood war wounds for the rest of their lives.  And
what did it gain them?

      The game decays from trying to survive, to trying to 'teach them a
lesson' no matter what.

      And so it goes.

      Some child wants to grow up to be a strong man and take care of his
mother in her old age, and mother wants the child to not want that, she
wants her son to want to be a doll in her doll house, to be a good
little boy that never does anything dangerous, and is always dependent
on his mother for life.

      Unfortunately, the purpose of motherhood, besides providing a
nipple when its wanted, is to invent dangerous games for the child to
play, in order to train and exercise all the child's abilities before
they have to go out and assume command over their own lives and possibly
even hers in old age.

      Men that take orders from their mothers after a certain age are
losers.

      Thus one could come up with a full battery of processes on just
this basis.

      'What have you wanted others to want?'
      'What have you wanted others to not want?'
      'What have others wanted you to want?'
      'What have others wanted you to not want?'

      If one assumes that most of the turmoil in a person's life comes
from the Parent Child relationship, then it is clear that the child is
being in the valence of the Victim receiving motivators from the Parent.
Thus running a person endlessly on what was done to him as a child by
his parents is an enormous waste of time.  It will only run until the
other 3 flows jam (see below).

      Clearly if being a child is the motivator end of things, then being
the Parent is the Overt side of things, so you really want to run your
poor little pc on what HE did as a parent to a child in a past life, or
even this life and future lives.

      It doesn't matter if he still hasn't had children in this life, he
HAS been a parent in a past life, and he WILL be a parent in a future
life, so there is lots of overt material to get off the case.

      Further some of the most dangerous charge on a case is the cross
sex charge, i.e.  the losses associated with being a boy and not being a
girl, or being a girl and not being a boy.  When you think you live only
once and had nothing to do with being born, then the cross sex charge is
infinite, as is the charge on mortality itself.

      A Sovereign Unit that wants to live forever considers it an
infinite loss that he can not.  That's a lot of girl friends he will
never have, don't you see?  Infinite loss means infinite charge.

      That IS the Wall of Fire.  How did you become meat, Bud?

      For a boy then, you are much more interested in his past lives as a
MOTHER, and for a girl you would want to concentrate on her past lives
as a FATHER.

      The girl may have a lot of attention on her mother in this life as
the source of all her problems, so the temptation is to ask her what she
has done as a mother in a past life, but what was she doing with a
father in this life that LET her have such a mother in this life?  Look
to her as a father in a past life for resolution of this.

      Thus the general questions are as follows.

      For a boy:

  1.) What have you done as a mother to a son in a past life? (DED)
  2.) What has a mother done to you as a son in this life?    (DEDEX)
  3.) What has a son done to you as a mother in a past life?  (MOTIVATOR)
  4.) What have you done as a son to a mother in this life?   (OVERT)

      For a girl:

  1.) What have you done as a father to a daughter in a past life?
  2.) What has a father done to you as a daughter in this life?
  3.) What has a daughter done to you as a father in a past life?
  4.) What have you done as a daughter to a father in this life?

      Of course both boys and girls should run all valences of mother
father, son and daughter, but I think you will find the cross sex charge
to be hotter than a pancake.  Its EASY to run past lives of the same
sex, hardly anything there to confront.  If it was hard to confront
having been a boy, you wouldn't BE a boy in this life.  Thus the sex
they are being NOW (boy) is a safe solution to the sex they couldn't bear
being again for a while (girl).

      However it is clear that a boy in this life who was a mother in a
past life may have had a father in that life who did her in.  Thus
another life before that you would want to know what she had done AS a
father to a daughter.  It leap frogs back down the time track crossing
sex with each incident in the chain.

      Its called the Cross Sex Chain.

      So if he had a horrible mother in this life who ruined him utterly,
(those motivators are sticking like glue), then he must have been a
horrible mother himself a few life times back.  But chances are SHE had
a horrible father, so she must have BEEN a horrible father to a daughter
even earlier producing in the daughter a horrible mother just like she
herself became a horrible mother in a later life at the hands of her own
horrible father.

      So if you had a horrible mother in this life, you have to ask what
did YOU do as a FATHER to a daughter to turn her into a horrible mother,
so you would later, as a girl, get a horrible father who turned you into
a horrible mother who did horrible things to her son, so that when you
came back in this life time as a son with a horrible mother doing
horrible things to you they all stuck to you like glue.

      In this life your PC is a son.  In this life PC has a bad mother.
In earlier life PC WAS a bad mother.  Earlier in same life PC was a
daughter.  In same life PC as a daughter had a bad father.  In earlier
life PC WAS a bad father.  Earlier in same life PC was a son.  In same
life PC as a son had a bad mother.  In earlier life PC WAS a bad mother.
etc.

      Overts and motivators are like taking a bath in crazy glue.

      Just remember that what you did as a mother in a past life you did
as MANY MOTHERS over MANY LIFETIMES, so the cross sex chain is not just
a chain of single incidents, its a chain of chains!

      Each incident on the cross sex chain, is itself on a chain of
incidents of similar kind.

      Every time you were a rotten mother, there is a chain of being a
rotten mother that goes back into Antiquity.

      Every time you were a rotten father, there is a chain of being a
rotten father that goes back into Antiquity.

      But the chains can not be run down the same sex, they MUST be run
as intertwined.  First run the pc as having a rotten mother, then as
being a rotten mother, then AS THAT MOTHER having a rotten father, then
earlier being a rotten father, then having AS THAT FATHER an earlier
rotten mother etc.

      Oh, yeah every once in a while you were a good parent too.

      But you are not in trouble and lost in the Sea of Eternity because
of the good things you did.

      Since the primary overt act or 'done to' is to apply your Sovereign
Desire to another to get them to desire something in opposition to their
Basic Purposes, or Basic Desire, you might also want to run the above
processes more specifically as follows.

      Overts On Sovereign Desire, for a boy:

  'As a mother what have you wanted your son to want?'     (past life)
  'As a mother what have you wanted your son to not want?' (past life)

  'As a son what has your mother wanted you to want?'      (this life)
  'As a son what has your mother wanted you to not want?'  (this life)

  'As a mother what has your son wanted you to want?'      (past life)
  'As a mother what has your son wanted you to not want?'  (past life)

  'As a son what have you wanted your mother to want?'     (this life)
  'As a son what have you wanted your mother to not want?' (this life)

      There is a whole class of processes that try to get at the Basic
Purpose or GPM of your preclear.  Remember each GPM has a Goal and an
Opp Goal, and also a Terminal and an Opp Terminal.

      The goal is what he wants to accomplish.  The terminal is the
identity or beingness that he has to be in order to accomplish that
goal.  Christ wanted 'To Save The World', and his terminal identity
might have been 'A Savior'.

      One way to run this has been:

      'What are you being?'
      'What are you opposing?'

      The problem is that the preclear in the valence of the child is
being the motivator, the receiver of overts from his parents.  He is
actually BEING a VICTIM, and opposing incoming overts.  End of story.
Thus this process never runs.

      However, he is SUFFERING from the overts of his mother, in other
words they are not just rolling off his shoulder, because of HIS overts
AS a mother in a past life.  In that past life he had goals AS A MOTHER
which for one reason or another led to all the overts she committed
against HER son in that past life.

      People just don't care about what's been done to them except as a
justification and restraint on what they have done to others either
before or after.

      Thus what you really want to run is,

      For a boy:

      'As a mother what have you wanted to be?'
      'As a mother what have you opposed?'

      Remember that opposing someone (her son namely) involves wanting
her son to NOT want what HE wants to be, do or have, so this ties in
directly with the earlier process of Overts on Sovereign Desire.

      'As a mother what have you wanted to be?'
      'As a mother what has your son wanted to be?'
      'As a son what has your mother wanted to be?'
      'As a son what have you wanted to be?'

      'As a mother what have you opposed?'
      'As a mother what has your son opposed?'
      'As a son what has your mother opposed?
      'As a son what have you opposed?'

      More directly it can be run as,

      'As a mother what have you opposed in your son?'  (DED)
      'As a son what has your mother opposed in you?'   (DEDEX)
      'As a mother what has your son opposed in you?'   (MOTIVATOR)
      'As a son what have you opposed in your mother?'  (OVERT)

      The subject of deds and dedexes, motivators and overts leads
directly into the subject of Justice and Beauty, and of course Injustice
and Ugly.

      Injustices are either handled and resolved as they happen or they
sink out of sight and fester.

      If people are getting along, then naturally occurring injustices
that they perpetrate on each other, either intentionally or
accidentally, are being discussed, brought up, talked about, expressed
and resolved.

      If an injustice does not complete cycle in this manner, then it
sinks down the tone scale into resentment, unexpressed resentment,
suppressed unexpressed resentment, and finally locked suppressed
unexpressed resentment.

      Resentment means to feel again, RE SENTIR.  Injustices don't go
away with out being resolved, they can never be forgotten completely,
they always surface and make you feel the wrong again and again, against
your will with you as effect, thus it never as-ises.

      This can be a wrong you did to someone else, or a wrong someone
else did to you, or a wrong other's did to others', or a wrong you did
to yourself, or a wrong someone else did to themselves.

      Injustice means TRUTH is not beautiful.  If it doesn't get resolved
it rancors and never goes away.

      When an injustice is not handled with direct and forthright
expression of your grievances the resentment becomes unexpressed.  That
means you aren't talking about it any more, you aren't letting on that
you feel mad, and you might even be putting on a sweet face to make
everyone think that everything is ok with you.  However you know better,
you know damn well that you are mad as hell and that you are hiding it
for what ever reason.

      After a long while of being unexpressed, resentment sinks into
suppression and forgetfulness.  An unexpressed resentment is one that
other's don't know about but you do.  A suppressed unexpressed
resentment is one that you don't know about anymore either.  You no
longer know that YOU are mad!

      If this state of affairs is allowed to continue long enough, the
emotion becomes encysted in mental concrete and becomes a bear to audit
out.  That's called LOCKED.

      That's when you ask the meter if you are mad at anything and the
needle does nothing.

      It's a case of being so mad you're dead.

      Or at least disconnected from the meter, probably detached on the
awareness characteristic chart.

      ... hysteria, shock, catatonia, oblivion, detachment, duality,
secrecy, ...

      The primary thing that causes resentment to become unexpressed is
fear, fear for your own survival, which is usually the result of a lack
of force, power or ability with which to defend your rights against
others who are stronger than you or whom you are dependent upon.  Its
usually the result of seeing no way out, and being in a situation where
continuing to let your grievances be known is more dangerous to you than
it is worth.

      I am sure all of you can think of times when this has been true for
you or still is.  We all harbor resentments, grudges, and injustices
that are just too dangerous to air.

      So the resentments fall into the range of the tone scale between
Unexpressed Resentment and Covert Hostility.

      The main reason, however, that unexpressed resentment becomes
suppressed and forgotten is guilt.

      Guilt makes you wonder if you DESERVE to be angry.  Guilt makes you
feel sorry for the party who is wronging you, and you can't feel sorry
for someone and be angry with them at the same time.  Those who try to
live this way end up in the insane asylum.  Usually what happens is you
see-saw between sympathy and no-sympathy, pity and rage, anger and
regret, sorrow and fury, until you get sick of the unresolved conflict,
and you decide that it would be better to just forget the whole thing.

      You think, well maybe if you forgive them, they will forgive you.

      THAT'S A CO EXCUSED WITHHOLD.

      You won't get mad at them if they won't get mad at you.

      It's the deal of a lifetime, and it ALWAYS ends you up in the
grave.

      Now look, let's be blunt here.  If you are feeling guilty it's
because you are.  Let's put the sweetness and light hypocrisy out of the
way for a moment and take a look at what is really going on here, for
this is the stuff of which true insanity is made.

      You see it's based on an indecision.  Your guilt makes you wonder.
Do they deserve your anger or not?  You can't pursue justice for
yourself, if in your own eyes you don't deserve any.

      Now you may not be feeling guilty over what everyone is SAYING you
SHOULD be feeling guilty about, in fact its rare that anyone has any
inkling of what you are guilty of at all, they are usually just serving
their own purposes and justifications with their accusations against
you.

      Some guy rapes you and you feel guilty.  He says, 'Of course you
feel guilty, you WANTED it!' And you, being real dumb, fall for this.

      No the guilt rarely has anything to do with what your accusers say.
They are trying to make you feel guilty so THEY don't have to feel
guilty.  Don't worry, it'll catch up with them someday.  Justice Reigns.
Always has and always will.

      Justice HAS to reign, because Sovereignty reigns, and Justice and
Sovereignty are the same thing.

      No your own guilt is an echo from your own past, probably as a man
in a past life.

      So I can not say this strongly enough, if you are feeling guilty,
you are.  Guilt is ALWAYS the rattling of skeletons in your own closet.
They may however be very OLD skeletons.  You can probably tell from the
guilt, the guilt will FEEL very OLD, like its a part of you FOREVER.

      You FEEL LIKE YOU ARE GUILTY like you FEEL LIKE YOU ARE FLESH AND
BLOOD.

      The problem of course is dating and locating exactly what the guilt
is about, because it may have nothing to do with anything you are
conscious of, and very well may come from whole track, (past and
future).

      If you don't like the idea of guilt from future lives, that's fine,
just consider that people know they have propensities that they are
quite sure they will act out if the right situation occurs.  Future
guilt is of this nature.  You haven't done it yet, but you know you WILL
do it if given half a chance.

      You know you can't be trusted, even if no one else knows it yet
because you haven't done anything yet.

      The way to deal with this in auditing is to get the guilt
confessed.  That leaves your mind free to pursue justice again for
yourself without any lingering doubts that you may not deserve it.  Who
cares if you raped your father or someone like your father when he was
your daughter 15 life times ago, that certainly doesn't give him the
right to rape you every night when you are 3 in this life, now does it?
Two wrongs don't make a right.

      The killer is that your guilt from long ago will cause you to feel
sorry for your father who is raping you NOW, and your guilt will get in
the way of effectively handling your anger at him.

      It's not so important if you keep your anger to yourself until
things are safe enough to take effective action, it matters quite a lot
if you can't stand the indecision between guilt and anger and chose to
forget the whole thing.

      Or maybe you just sort of let it slip out of memory's sight because
you are exhausted trying to determine if you 'deserve' all this abuse or
not, or if you still have any rights to have your grievances heard
considering what you are hiding from so long ago.

      People long ago fell down into knowing by emoting, they can't know
by LOOKING any more.  So they can't 'remember' any part of their past or
future lives because they can't SEE any pictures from them.  But they
can still feel emotions coming through, especially during traumatic
periods in this life.

      Being raped by your father is just such a traumatic period.  You
want HIM to feel guilty just as YOU DID FEEL GUILTY for doing the same
thing so long ago.  Your own feelings of guilt however will make you
doubt your father's guilt, maybe you deserve it after all.  You see this
makes your father a good guy because maybe he is just doing to you what
you deserved all along, even if he feels guilty about it!

      After all it's RIGHT to do WRONG to someone who has done WRONG.
Right?

      So nothing gets handled, nothing gets confessed, it all just gets
forgotten.

      That's the sinking ship effect, right down the tone scale you go
FOREVER, or at least until you get it handled.

      Thus some of these things are VERY OLD indeed.

      You can not run away from a co-excused withhold, you can only bury
yourself under it forever for free.

      THAT is what trauma is, it is SUPPRESSED unexpressed resentment,
and that never heals until both sides come clean.

      If you clean up your own side though, you will ALWAYS be able to
clean up the other side too.

      There is nothing like having a clean slate yourself to help you
pull withholds on another being and put ethics in where degradation has
been festering.

      Thus Christ said, 'Take the log out of your own eye, before you
take the speck out of another's.'

      Sorry, it takes two to tango.  You can only become the long term
permanent effect of another's indecency if you yourself have a festering
cess pool of unconfessed guilt and indecency too.

      The answer is ALWAYS to get your own guilts confessed, then if your
anger at others is real it will still be around and you will be able to
do something effective with it, rather than sink down the tone scale
into the mental mausoleum of Spiritual Death at -400.0 on the Emotional
Tone Scale.

      The way to happiness is a true confession (Electra).

      That includes you and your father, don't you see?

      Underlying every psychosomatic pain, limitation or condition is a
SUPPRESSED unexpressed resentment, locked in forgetfulness by an earlier
or later similar co excused withhold.

      There are no exceptions.

      Remember a CO-EXCUSED WITHHOLD is

      1.) A WITHHELD MOTIVATOR and
      2.) A WITHHELD OVERT

      BOTH ARE TOTALLY GONE, FORGOTTEN.

      If you get headaches, if you have sinusitis or allergies, if you
have nightmares, or back pains, or wake up sick every morning, if life
is an endurance match for you, if you are blind, deaf, dumb, fat and
ugly, if you can't see, if you can't be, do or have anything that you
want to, if your Desire is not Sovereign in some obvious glaring arena
of operation, then you have suppressed and forgotten unexpressed
resentments about some ugliness or injustice in your life, and
underlying that is an earlier or later crime of your own of comparable
worse magnitude.

      For every indecency that you have to suffer with indignity and you
feel that you can't do anything about, you have committed an indecency
of like kind or magnitude in the past or the future which you have not
confessed, and which you are no longer aware.  It is the energy to NOT
KNOW about it or to make it not have happened, or make sure it won't,
that sticks the present time travail to you.

      If you weren't so busy FORGETTING your own guilt, no one could harm
you in any permanent way, it would all just roll off your shoulder and
heal after some time like it never happened.  It's ironic, but the bad
things that others do to us stick to us because of what we are doing to
ourselves, namely forgetting what we wish we had not done or would not
do to others.

      It's the lack of CONFESSION that counts, confession TO OURSELVES.

      It helps though to have someone to confess to, to confide that you
did this thing to yourself.

      So, if you want to get better, go to confession, and then take
everyone else who needs it to confession too, even if you have to drag
them there by the ear, or other relevant body part, whatever the case
may be.

      I know you don't want this to happen, but you will all end up
friends in the end, and possibly even live a decent life together.

      This Dream ends forever when the circle of friends are all holding
hands together again (Adore).

      Homer

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Learning implies Learning with Certainty or Learning without Certainty.
Learning across a Distance implies Learning by Being an Effect.
Learning by Being an Effect implies Learning without Certainty.
Therefore, Learning with Certainty implies Learning,
but not by Being an Effect, and not across a Distance.

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