THERE IS NO GOING BACK.

     I AM NO LONGER WILLING NOR ABLE TO ENGAGE IN RECEIVING AUDITING
UNLESS I KNOW BEFORE HAND THAT IT WILL WORK AND PRODUCE GAINS WORTH THE
PRICE I AM PAYING FOR IT.

     THE WORST PART OF FLAG AND BEING AUDITED BY THEIR TOP LEVEL CLASS
WHATEVERS, WAS THE MORE AUDITING I RECEIVED THE LESS I WANTED TO BE ABLE
TO DO WHAT THEY WERE DOING, DUE TO THE NEGATIVE RETURN ON INVESTMENT
THAT WAS TAKING PLACE.
 
     I MEAN CHRIST HOW MUCH MONEY CAN YOU THROW AT A STOCK THAT IS GOING
DOWN JUST TO WATCH IT CONTINUE TO GO DOWN FURTHER AND THROW MORE MONEY
AT IT?
 
     AM I GOING TO OFFER THE SAME TO MY PRECLEARS?

     THE ORG AT $375/INTENSIVE SENT ME TO FLAG DUE TO NO CASE GAIN AT
THE ORG.
 
     AT $6000/INTENSIVE AT FLAG I LOST ALL HOPE FOR CASE GAIN AND A
FUTURE.

     I WAS STIFF UPPER LIP-ING IT, BUT TALK ABOUT AN EMOTIONAL CURVE:
FROM THE HIGH OF THE FIRST MOMENT OF DISCOVERING SCIENTOLOGY TO LEAVING
IN DESPAIR.

     I PAID HOW MUCH FOR A LIFE REPAIR, AND SPENT HOW MANY HOURS ON IT,
ONLY TO RESCIND MY FALSE ATTEST.
 
     IT SEEMED RIGHT FOR ABOUT 15 MINUTES.
 
     BUT THEN WHAM INTO THE WALL AT 1000 MILES AN HOUR.
 
     BOY THE ORG DIDN'T LIKE THAT, BUT IF I HADN'T RESCINDED MY ATTEST I
WOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN ABLE TO LIVE WITH THE DECEIT.
 
     SO I WALKED AWAY WITH NOTHING, AND I DID IT AGAIN AND AGAIN WITH
IDIOTS IN THE FREEZONE TOO.
 
     JESUS CHRIST I SIMPLY NEVER LEARN.

     I REMEMBER THE EXACT MOMENT AT FLAG, THE EXACT TAPE I WAS LISTENING
TO WHEN I SAID, SCREW THIS, I CAN DO THIS MYSELF, I DON'T NEED ALL THESE
NAZI SHIT HEADS TO MAKE ME WRONG ABOUT BEING A NCG.
 
     HEY I CAN DO THAT MYSELF!

     BUT I *KNEW* I COULD SOLO IT FROM THERE ON OUT.

     MY PRIMARY ERROR AT THE TIME WAS UNDERESTIMATING THE ENORMITY OF
CASE IN GENERAL AND MINE IN PARTICULAR.
 
     MOST OF THE THOUSANDS OF SOLO HOURS I PUT INTO MY LIFE AFTER FLAG
WENT INTO GETTING REAL ON HOW BIG THE CHARGE IS.

     AND HOW BIG *I* WAS.
 
     JESUS I AM SCARY.

     AT SOME POINT ALONG THE WAY I LOST MOST OF MY HATRED FOR THE ORG
AND FLAG BECAUSE *THEY DIDN'T STAND A CHANCE" WITH ME,
 
     NOT A CHANCE.
 
     GOING CLEAR WITH THEM WAS AN ABSURD PROPOSIITION OUT OF THE GATE
BUT I HAD NO REALITY AT THE TIME ABOUT ME OR THEM.
 
     I CAN AT LEAST GIVE THEM CREDIT FOR HAVING TRIED THE BEST THEY
COULD, BUT I WILL TELL YOU SOMETHING.

     ANYONE WITH A CERT OR AN AWARD ON HIS WALL JUST SIMPLY IS NOT WORTH
TALKING TO.

     AWARDS AND CERTS SIMPLY GIVE THE PERSON THE DELUSION HE KNOWS
SOMETHING IMPORTANT.
 
     ONE DOESN'T AWARD PEOPLE FOR SALVATION OF THE ETERNAL SOUL FROM
RUIN.

     I AM SORRY BUT ONE PRODUCES ROBOTS ON A FACTORY LINE, ONE DOES NOT
PRODUCE FREE BEINGS.

     NOT LIKE WHAT I AM LOOKING AT.

     A LITTLE AMOUNT OF HUMILITY GOES A LONG WAYS WHEN IT COMES TO
DELIVERING ETERNAL FREEDOM FOR REAL TO SOMEONE AND ACTUALLY ARRIVING
THERE.

     THERE ARE NO GUARANTEES ALONG THE WAY, AND SO YEAH HOW TO PAY FOR
SOMETHING WITH NO GUARANTEES IS A PROBLEM STILL TO BE RESOLVED FOR ME.
 
     WHEN I PAY FOR HELP, I EXPECT TO BE HELPED NOT HARMED, DRAINED OR
BLED OUT,
 
     AND I EXPECT AN AUDITOR WHO CAN TAKE WHAT I SAY TO THEM AND NOT DIE
THE NEXT DAY IN THEIR FUCKING SLEEP.
 
     AND IF I CHOSE TO HELP MYSELF, I EXPECT THEM TO SHUT THE FUCK UP
AND LEARN SOMETHING FROM ME, FOR THEIR CERTS AND AWARDS ARE BUT DUST IN
THE WIND COMPARED TO WHERE THEY WILL ONE DAY WANT TO GO TOO ONCE THEY
GET THE BALLS TO ADMIT WHO AND WHAT THEY ARE IN ETERNITY.

     THERE IS JUST IS NO CERT NOR AWARD FOR THAT ABILITY GAINED, AS
HUBRIS, VANITY, ARROGANCE AND CONCEIT CAN NOT SURVIVE THE TRANSITION TO
ETERNALITY.

     HUMILIATION IS FINITE OPERATING PRIDE
 
     HUMILITY IS INFINITE OPERATING PRIDE
 
     VANITY IS INFINITE OPERATING PRIDE WASTING AWAY FROM ARROGANCE AND
CONCEIT.  - ADORE.COM

     HOMER