Ted (ted_crammer@hotmail.com) wrote:
>You know Moldy, I never once felt like that, not in the faintest. I owed
>him nothing. Had I ended up owing Hubbard anything I would have been
>less myself and less effective in helping others. So I wonder, is there
>a particular class of people that you are referring to who were duped
>into owing their eternal survival to Hubbard?

      I was one of these, haunted by the feeling that I was being helped
because I couldn't help myself.

      This was drilled into our dear little heads early on, auditor plus
pc is bigger than the bank etc, pc can't do it alone etc.

      But the real underlying issue was total irresponsibility for
condition, I was being 'helped' out of a condition that I had no clue
how I got there, nor no clue how the help got there either etc.

      I was being helped out of a condition I had not created by help
that I had not nor could not have created.

      I remember when I first got into Scn I had this overwhelming
feeling of a near miss, of a close call, that Scn might never have
existed, and I would have gone to my grave being a mortal meatball.

      I never had the feeling 'Ah there you assholes are, what the fuck
took you so long'.

      Instead Scn exceeded my expectations, it was not expected, and thus
became an over awing surprise, and thus one that I naturally felt
indebted too.

      Now as people make case gain, they recover their responsibility for
condition, and for the help that helps them, and this awe begins to melt
into humor.  But this never happened with me as I was a total NCG in the
Church and after, and to this day I still suffer from 'where the hell am
I, how did I get here, and where am I going'.

      I am still a "lost cause," literally.

      My issue of total irresponsibility has not been dented, in 30,000
hours of solo dual auditing.

      I can see how I am making myself worse, I can see how the trap
works, but I can not see how I got into the trap, or what it will be
like to be out.

      In fact it terrifies me.

      And that is how I feel about my future, terror and numb.

      Or Sorrow and Horror.

      As long as the total irresponsibility for condition persists, then
I will naturally feel indebted to anyone that solves this for me, helps
me in other words, and this results in an ARC break that will last
forever, and thus makes me not want auditing.

      You can't go free forever and owe someone something forever.

      Thus the help one gets must not leave one owing.  But surely the
meager payment we make to auditors does not repay it.

      Nor does paying it forward by auditing others after.

      So help has to eventually be in the direction of not needing help,
and never having needed help in the first place.  It becomes a nice game
to play, with the auditor gaining as much from the pc as the pc gains
from the auditor.

      Some auditors charge 100 per hour to audit a pc.

      I charge 100 per hour to be audited by the next stupid
auditor in line bringing me stupid auditing questions.

      "How do you feel about your future?"

      E/P is "future is endlessly beautiful".

Mon Aug 31 19:41:19 EDT 2015