I have very good reality on my first dynamic, but I do not
appreciate myself, always up to my nose in water and I can't breath
through my nose.

      My second dynamic is a disaster, hated my parents both of whom
bombed out early leaving me with foster parents who were zombie zoners,
I mean just no one home at all, whom I hated more, and disconnected from
at first chance.

      Never knew my grand parents, and could care less about the
Tennessee swamp dwelling sub protoplasm that calls itself relatives on
my mother's side.  No clue about my father's side.

      Since I debonded with most of life during the second dynamic
disaster of my early years, my mate is non existent, and no children,
and no dreams or affinity for either should I find them.

      Most sane people WANT to have children, but they also WANT to be

      My second dynamic was sort of like a nuclear war that spread out
and destroyed or poisoned all my other dynamics.

      My third dynamic is almost non existent.  Having no family, the
groups that are made of families, both my parents group mates, and my
own group mates are non existent with no real hope of ever existing or
being repaired.  I lost everything of my family's groups when I was
deported to my foster parents, and THEIR framily group mates were brain
sucking zombie zoners.

      I do have some operating group mates on the
work/production/activity parts of life, running Lightlink Internet, and
we are about to put in a 10 million dollar super computer.

      But frankly every goal I can think of fills me with inertia.

      I do it because I have to in order to not starve to death.

      Beyond that human relationships are scarce and far between, like
two survivors lost at sea crossing each other's paths in life rafts that
can hold only one.  That's me and Jane, we have floated together for 23

      As for the fourth dynamic, mankind is a loose cannon which should
be bolted down or cast overboard.  Probably no more dangerous PTS item
in the universe, next to asteroids, plague and tsunamis.

      If mankind survives it will not be because a majority of it
deserved to do so, but because a very small minority pulled it through
in spite of itself.

      I kind of like to think I am part of that minority, but MAN DO
I HATE IT, because I do not particularlly want to survive myself.

      Staying alive seems to be the cheaper route pain wise both
for myself and for those that care about me and depend on me to
be around for them.

      If it weren't for them I would off myself immediately.

      I have lots of affinity for the 5th dynamic in general, cats, mice,
dogs, horses, plants, etc.  It's gory out there and hard to stomach when
you find equal beauty in the eater and the eaten.  I also have lots of
affinity for some bodies, but not my body which seems to be retarded,
dumb, blind, stupid and genetically damaged and can't breath.

      I have almost no affinity for the physical universe, too big, too
complex, almost impossible to understand even simple things like special
relativity, and the spaces and times involved are so vast they leave
everyone in solitary confinement for the rest of time.

      In particular my hatred for the MEST universe is all the more so
that I believe I am MADE of MEST.

      That's as high as I go in this life, I have no reality on the
seventh dynamic, for now we are postulating something that exists
outside of machines and space time parts.

      They may exist, but I have zero reality on it, and even less
affinity that it should exist and I be SO separated from it.

      How the fuck did that happen?

      Your stupid meter reading yet?

      As for the eighth dynamic, I gave up on God a long time ago as a
fatherly being who cared about me or anyone for that matter.

      God the father belongs in jail for child abuse.

      As for anything else that might come under the notion of supreme
creator or infinity, its all 100 percent unreal to me.  I can think
ANALYTICALLY with it, but its not based on any experience that is
lasting or accessible at will.

      Most of my writings 'come to me' after sessions, they may sound
good, but they might as well be a birdie chirping in my ear telling me
what to write.

      I make a good scribe, that's about it.

      So the ARCX with the AllThatIs is clearly spread across the 8

      The Communication is enforced, I HAVE to be conscious, the affinity
is negative down around useless, apathy, sorrow and propitiation, and
that's just the social facade.

      True sub death tone is probably can't hide.

      My agreement with the AllThatIs is negative, totally opposed, next
time it wants to crucify someone, let is choose someone other than me
thank you.

      My communication with the AllTHatIs is completely blocked,
recognition, perception, communication, orientation are all completely

      Understandings seem to be all over the place, but none of them do
me any good, so I will trust they are all bogus.

      Enlightment is non existent.

      Body is a total walking disaster area, can't breath, can't sleep,
can't work, can't find reason to move.  A long ways from 'Breathing is
sufficient reason to be.'

      Energy is empty, or negative turned against me.

      Higher than that, production, prediction, activity are all
substitute goal nerve crushers, that I do for others, sacrifice in case
some day there turns out to be any intelligent life on Earth or

      I am not glad I exist, I am not happy to be, and I do not enjoy my
time, life is not worthwhile.

      Although I am not truely suicidal, it get that way sometimes when I
am fumed and can't breath at all, but I do spend 10 percent of my time
considering how, if and why to suicide or kamikaze.

      Thinking about kamikaze tends to make the suicidal thoughts
go away :)

      Everything else in my life is a waste, I ain't going to waste my

      I am told I have post partum depression, I have been depressed ever
since I was a baby.


Homer Wilson Smith     The Paths of Lovers    Art Matrix - Lightlink
(607) 277-0959 KC2ITF        Cross            Internet Access, Ithaca NY    In the Line of Duty

Sun Jun 24 23:09:29 EDT 2007