PERFECTION BETWEEN PARENT AND CHILD

      Perfection is not measured in performance but in relatingness.

      The primary mistake is to blame a child for something that is not
it's fault, or to accept a blame from a child for something that is not
your fault.

      But there is a whole littany of bullshit things that parents do to
their children who don't act like dolls in the parent's doll house.

      Lying to your child, not answering its questions about life
honestly, or telling it is too young, or too old when it isn't, over
protecting it, not training it in dangerous games, not giving it
responsibilities, not raising it to be a leader, not raising it to take
care of the parent in their old age, telling the child it can't
understand something, when the parent doesn't WANT the child to
understand, telling a child what it wants and doesn't want, pretending
the child has never lived before, teaching the child it won't live
again, teaching the child about heaven and hell forever rather than for
a while, inhibiting or enforcing sexual experiences, food or sleep, what
it can say, how it can say it, enslaving or imprisoning the child's
desire to contribute and produce more than it can consume, and a
gobzillion more things that add up to crimes against children.

      It is possible to civilize a child without breaking it's spirit, or
putting it into its first murderous rage.  First murderous rage needs to
be run out clean as a whistle.

      The accumulation of breaks in Affinity, Agreement and
Communication, and problems, overts, withholds, and justifications
results in a destroyed relationship, because they are all forms of non
relating.

      But these can all be quickly rectified by apologies to full
resolution and restoration of love and trust.

      A clean slate is not one that was ever marred, but one that is kept
well erased.

      The relationship consists of moments of relating, and where two
people won't relate on a subject any more, the relationship is just that
dead in that area.  Too much non relating, and the relationship dies.

      There can be 'agreeing to disagree' as long as it isn't under
duress, but too much of that can destroy a relationship too.

      Thus there is perfection to be maintained on both sides,

      A parent who feels that a perfect child is one who never talks
back, never asks why and expects a valid answer, never argues, never
questions the parent's wisdom, motives, integrity or honesty, will find
themselves in quick and permanent disagreement with a child who feels
that a perfect parent would never hold that view of a perfect child.

      Thus it is a simultaneous equation between both parent and child to
conceive the ideal sit between them, come to an agreement, and then live
by it, and resolve it when it goes wrong.  Own up, apologize and repent
of breaking the ideal relationship.  If no agreement can be reached,
then the child should never have been born, and the parent bred out of
season for the wrong reason.

      Just as you have the Auditor's Code and the Preclear's Code,
so too do you have the Parent's Code and the Child's Code.

      Keeping the slate clean on both sides will guarantee the
continuance of the perfect parent or perfect child feeling.

      Gratefulness, love, respect and pride in the other.

      One doesn't have to trust that the other will never err again, but
only that if they do, you can resolve it.

      KNOWING YOU CAN RESOLVE ANY IRRESOLUTION IN A RELATIONSHIP,
THAT ALL PARTIES ARE NEGOTIATING IN GOOD FAITH, will itself
keep a relationship going during the worst moment of irresolution.

      When the good faith bit goes under suspicion though, the
relationship goes out the tubes quickly.

      When resolution of errors happens enough times, the child gets the
'best parent in the world' cognition and retains it for the rest of
their lives and will tend to pass it along to their own children.

      Any child that enjoyed BEING a child and HAVING parents, will enjoy
BEING a parent and HAVING children.

      Most of those that don't want to have children, didn't want to have
parents after a short stint with them.

      Debonding from one's parents is a serious moment, and must be run
out of any ARC broken child's life.  When one debond's from one's
parents, one tends to debond from everything else too.

      Parents give a child purpose to live, reason to be, to contribute,
take care of, return the favor the parent did for the child.  With out
love, respect and PRIDE for parents, the child is out of a job for life,
namely winning the love, respect and pride of his parents for himself
and then passing that on to his kids.

      No one expects perfection in performance, but they do expect
perfect in resolution.

      My family accumulated one horrific irresolution after the other and
then died on me without any effort to resolve any of them.

      So in clearing I resolve it all for them, and voila the perfect
parent appears again in my heart.

      I make it sound easy, 40 years later, and THOUSANDS of hours of
soloing mother dearest, and I still like to crack mother jokes, but now
they make me feel bad and dishonest.  But the bad times are erasing, and
all that is left is the beauty of the substrate underlying all the
nonsense.

      The love of a perfect mother is worth it, as it turns you into
the perfect child, and you can start bonding again with more than your
cats.

      Oh are they gonna be jealous.

      Homer

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer Wilson Smith     The Paths of Lovers    Art Matrix - Lightlink
(607) 277-0959 KC2ITF        Cross            Internet Access, Ithaca NY
homer@lightlink.com    In the Line of Duty    http://www.lightlink.com

Mon Jan 18 14:15:36 EST 2010