SUFFERING

      > I'd be interested in knowing when and what puts an end to your
      >suffering.

     So we are taught that suffering or its absence depends upon
conditions, mostly the survival of our body, and our loved ones, and our
survival assets.

     If a person just starts to feel good out of the blue for no reason,
he might query how come the universe, which is so bad, has within it the
ability to feel good.  But he also might just stop DOING anything as all
conditions on feeling good have been removed.

     Otherwise a being feels good to the degree that he wins, and bad to
the degree that he loses, and since EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING dies one day
at least while in carnation, loss wins in the end.

     An OT (Operating Thetan, a higher being) once recommended that when
something bad happens to say "Oh isn't this wonderful!"

     Right, ok I understand it in theory, but to actually FEEL wonderful
while some loved one or thing is being skinned alive and put out to
become an ant farm would take a God who was so pan determined nothing
mattered to him except the existing state of the world no matter WHAT it
was.

     THE STORY OF MIRA

     http://www.lightlink.com/homer/mira.jpg

     One freezing cold Christmas eve many years ago, a little starving
black and white cat appeared in our bed room out of nowhere.  She was so
skinny she looked like an Egyptian mummy and was probably only a few
days away from putting her head down in the cold snow for the last time.

     We named her Mirabilis which is latin for miracle.

     We fed her, put a radio collar on her, and I spent the next many
years of my life chasing her down everywhere she went, because she would
not stay home for more than 4 days.  She couldn't take the other cats in
our home and she didn't like the city.

     She came to us spade, warm, gentle, civilized, but clearly
abandoned, and very self competent in the wild wild world around her.

     One cold rainy night, on December 12th, 2012, while crossing from
where she lived in the wild to where her nightly hunting fields were,
Mirabilis was hit by a car and crushed to death.

     I spent 8 days looking for her high and low to no avail.

     I went to everyone of 200 different places I knew she hung out and
had taken me to during the 5 years of tracking her daily.

     I can't tell you how many places a cat will go that human will
NEVER go, unless looking for a cat!

     I called and called for her, for hours on end, I went up on the
mountain over looking the entire city hoping to hear the faintest beep
from her radio.  I started to feel the insanity of never knowing what
happened to her, whether she was alive or dead, and dreaming she was
there waiting for me every night.

     At the end of the 8th day, I was directed to her body through a
multiple series of almost miraculous serendipities.

     I held Mira's crushed body in my arms for hours, took her home,
gave her a warm bath, thawed her out after 8 cold days on the side of
the road, felt the cracks in her skull, looked into her popped eyes that
used to bring me so much joy, light, love and attitude, and her back end
which was blown open with guts hanging out like a turkey, and her legs
badly smashed.

     And many hours later I kissed her goodbye as Jane and myself put
her body into the ground for the last time, and covered it with earth.

     I cursed the Gods for not watching after her, but I thanked them
for leading me to her body, so I didn't spend the rest of time searching
for it in my mind and wondering.

     So I am asked to feel 'This is wonderful'.

     Yes, if I invited the loss into the game, and invited myself into
the game, and Mira had invited herself into the same game with some
awareness of the consequences.

     But who in their right might would invite themselves into a meat
grinder game like a meat body in the physical universe?

     So my sense of responsibility is negative, thus KRC and ARC are
negative.

     KRC means Knowledge, Responsibility (being cause) and Control.

     ARC means Affinity, Reality (Agreement) and communication.

     Negative ARC is called an ARC break with Source.

     Source is that thing from which came all things that came.

     ARC break = a sudden sundering of Affinity, Reality and
Communication on one or more dynamics.

     The 8 dynamnics are self, family, groups, mankind, anmials/plants,
spirit and the Infinite.

     As the poet said, "Love is all we know of Heaven, and Death all we
need of Hell."

     My tendency would be to say anyone walking around claiming to not
have an ARC break with Source is a liar, and in a different place and
time one might dream of testing their wisdom by nailing them to a cross
forthwith, let's see how close they are now to their God.

     Bring low those who pretend to be high who shed discount, contempt
and ridicule on the tears of our love.

     "But Homer, it was just a cat!"

     It?

     Just?

     Cats are gods sent to us to give us one last change to fully love
again having failed so miserably with the humans around us.

     Maybe just run "How do you feel about your endless future?" until
the glib "I'm fine!" bullshit blows, along with the wisdom strut.

     Now anyone can shrink down to a bubble that excludes everything he
doesn't want to know about, including all those beings unnecessary to
his survival, so he doesn't have to feel bad about THEIR bad conditions,
and in this way he can conclude the world is a fine place.

     But he gets out of his body, and starts to see everyone else, and
how far does he have to go to see a murder, rape, torture or violent
death take place?  Does this not bother him to tears and distraction?

     They are HIS friends being taken out, even if he pretends to not
know them, is he really going to be able to put it all there with
wonderfulness?

     One problem with telepathy is hearing the continuous roar of other
people's desperation.

     The bigger you are, the more things there are to bond with, and
thus the more losses per day you will suffer.

     There is an inner radius of murder we call it, it is the size of a
sphere centered around any being inside of which a murder is taking
place.  How far out do you have to go to find your first murder going
on?

     The outer radius of murder is the size of sphere inside of which at
least one murder is ALWAYS taking place.

     How big does a being have to get before he dares not get any
bigger?

     Being in a body is nice, it has an awareness radius of 300 feet,
and anything out side of that isn't its problem.  Until it becomes a
problem when the murder and mayhem come inside his radius of awareness.

     We know that anchor points are those things we use to make space
and time.
 
     Any communication terminal acts as an anchor point, one's body,
one's parents, one's siblings, one's friends, one's acquaintances, one's
locations of doing business, one's customers, clients and vendors.

     Anything loved or detested.

     Anywhere that pro survival two way communication or fair chosen
exchange takes place is a positive anchor point that creates places of
space and time for you because you have to create and operate across
that space and time to gain your survival benefit from it and to give in
return.

     If you lose a customer to a competitor, then that customer anchor
point goes away, and every time you drive by their location that's one
more place you DO NOT have.

     Your space gets smaller, as that will be one more place you won't
be going to any more, and the competitor becomes a negative anchor point
that makes you feel bad every time you go near them, in mind or in
matter.

     When you lose a positive anchor point, just that many slots in your
appointment book of the future become empty, as you won't be going there
to fix their system any more, talking to their billing department to get
paid, or consulting with them to see how things could be better.

     Anything or anywhere that is dangerous to your survival or that of
your loved ones is a negative anchor point.

     Anchor points also exist in time, there are temporal anchor points,
trivial ones like when you were born or graduated, but you have them all
up and down the time track way into the past and future, even beyond
this life and universe, where you plan to engage in a transaction with
your spatial anchor points!

     An important business meeting forms a temporal anchor point,
looking forward to visiting our friends or grandmother or anyone loved
forms temporal anchor points in the future.  We call them appointments
in our appointment book.

     We have a future worth looking forward to because we continue to
put temporal anchor points out there to look forward to them.

     If a person isn't putting temporal anchor points out there to look
forward to, he doesn't have a future worth living.
 
     Mira was a spatial anchor, a highly mobile one that touched
hundreds of different locations over 5 years with her presence, where I
daily hunted her down with the radio collar and every one of which I
remember as I pass them by, and each is drenched with the joy and relief
of having found and known her there and the sorrow that I will never see
her there again.

     My daily treks to locate her and feed her a little something were
temporal anchor points that filled my days and promised to fill my
future appointment book long into the future.

     My own religion tells me to cry now for the losses of the future,
the last days of anything I love, so when they come I can face them with
equipoise.

     Mira had become part of my hope for the salvation of my soul from
the sorrow of death, because I knew one day she would die, and every day
I cried for that day to come.  It just came way too early before I was
ready or had made any progress in the matter.

     And although her death by cars was always a high anxiety in the
back of my mind, which is why it was always such a joy and relief to
find her every day, it was such a cold slap in the face when it did
happen, this could not be, not with *THIS* special cat.

     This universe specializes in bringing low anything that is special
to anyone.

     I saw Mira every day FOR YEARS, hunted her down by radio collar and
fed her.  She was always in a different place, HER space was about 2
miles on a side, she took me into forests, mountain ways, alongside
rivers, into holes in the ground where NO ONE ever goes.  My appointment
book was filled with her beingness, and my space was filled of all the
myriad locations she had been and might be again which I had to keep
track of in order to find her dependably.

     Then one day her signal went quiet.

     This had happened before, she would go out of range into new
territories, or the battery would die on the radio, or the radio itself
fail.  I always managed to find her within a day or two, even without
the radio working because she would come back to her stable haunting
grounds.

     But this time, I looked and I looked and looked, hundreds of places
she had been or might be, hoping the radio collar had merely gone dead.
That was murder on my body, because of the constant effort to get out
and to remote view.

     I started to go crazy from the idea that I would never find her,
never know if she was alive or dead, whether she needed help, why she
had left, or if she had suffered long and hard before dying.

     *THAT* is crazifying, to never know.

     Out of serendipity, total chance, a friend tells me she would help
find the cat if I needed it.  This was day 8.  I took her to the general
area Mira lived in at the time, and again out of serendipity, total
chance, I asked someone working in a garage there if they had seen a
cat.  First guy said no, second guy comes out of the back who had
overheard our conversation and says he had seen a dead one on the road
coming to work about a week back.

     What did I feel?  Wonderfulness?

     Well there were lots of cats in the area, it could have been any
cat.

     I went to the area he indicated to look for her, and as I was
walking up the side of the road I found the radio collar smashed to
pieces.

     What did I feel?  Wonderfulness?

     Can you feel what I felt seeing the flattened collar?

     I walked over to the other side of the road and there she was under
a bush where someone had kindly gotten out of their car to remove her
from the road.

     What did I feel?  Wonderfulness?

     Was I able to 'put it there', the universe and everything in it as
it was?

     At that moment my time track collapsed as my appointment book went
empty.  I lost a HUGE number of spatial anchor points, thousands of them
as places I would no longer have any reason to visit.
 
     Later when I did pass by a place like her main haunt, HUNDREDS of
memory images of her flodded me from the days when I had found her
there, each one different or coming out running towards me, or basking
in the sunset during wine and cheese time.
 
     500 different Miras running out from different places to greet me,
and I can see all of them all at once.

     And yet the one I want, THE REAL ONE, is not among them.

     The being enters the memories of the departed and tries to grant
life back into the deceased.

     These anchor points, once positive, turn to negative anchor points,
they no longer provide prosurvival benefit, but they are still dressed
with the feelings of older times.

     I can run it out (experience it over and over again until no more
emotional charge is on the memory), but then I start forgetting about
Mira, she becomes like something that never happened, and I fail to
notice how much smaller my spacetime and operating arena have become.

     I continue on as if nothing happened.

     It is hard to get things you love, it is all too easy to lose them.

     I am good at running out present time 'injuries' to my survival, I
been doing it for years as I lost my parents, lost all our big lightlink
customers one by one, and will eventually lose all my remaining cats and
Jane and finally my own body.

     But when I let it come over me again and again during the day, or
the middle of the night, or when I am just done and tired with playing
the game "How you doing?  Fine thank you.", I start crying and just let
it flow, crying is the only love I know.

     I am not doing fine, and I haven't been doing fine for an awful god
damn long time, and I don't see how anyone is, except those too numb to
notice there are no tracks up ahead somewhere in their life of forward
motion.

     * LIFE IS LOSS *

     All start-change-stop cycles end in stop.
 
     Let them scoff who whistle past the graveyard.

     One might create new ones, but never like the ones that were lost.
 
     Precious, unique, and fragile, no matter how many cats there are in
the world, any relationship between beings is precious, unique and
fragile even if there are an infinity of them.

     MORE CATS IS MORE LOSS, don't you see?
 
     An infinite number of precious, unique and fragile cats is an
infinite loss into an infinite future.

     What do we do, just run them out as they happen and forget them as
if they never happened?

     Time doesn't heal, time BURIES.

     Maybe we can run them out so they heal, but what becomes of us?

     What becomes of our future except more dread and expectation of the
same thing?

     Run "What do you expect of your future?" and see what happens.

     Maybe I don't want to heal, maybe I need to be reminded that there
is something wrong with this world of Sabe (impermanence), and that the
world of Dura (realm of permanence) escapes me.
 
     I feel comfortable suffering, more human, because even though the
world of non suffering is God like, it is also alien, and I have no
recognizance of what it is like, OR WHAT IT MIGHT DO, nor any sense or
awareness of responsibility or choice to leave the sovereign state to
enter this state of despair.

     Most people would prefer to live those lives of quiet desperation,
I prefer to keep the oceans full of tears.

     Goodbye Mira, I love you so much, I will never stop crying after
you.
 
     Homer

Fri Jan 11 10:24:47 EST 2013
02/07/13 Thursday 11:18pm EST