((My comments in double parentheses - Homer))
                            A LETTER FROM D.
                                 CD - 8
                            6 February 1994
              Copyright (C) 1994 D. and Homer Wilson smith
       Redistribution rights granted for non commercial purposes.
     ((The following is an interchange between myself and D. over the
past few weeks.  Posted with permission.))
     I have never written to you before.  I tried my hand posting in
a.r.s.  but was quickly smashed.
     I just read your recent post about being on staff, and staff
members giving you motivators, etc.  And I have to thank you for that.
     I am in a similar situation.  I was on staff for a while.  I liked
being on staff.  I was, like the rest of my org, PTS and broke.  But it
was a good time.  And I could read LRH and everything seemed like it
would work out.
     Then we got this telex stating that Int management REQUIRED us to
send four (of our 20) staff members for the OEC/FEBC course.
((Organization Executive Course/Flag Executive Briefing Course)) And
there weren't that many of us who could physically leave the area.
     So after one of our staff members left, and was declared
unqualified to attend ITO, ((International Training Org)) my twin on the
TR's & Objectives course quit her job and went.  Only two weeks later, I
was talked into going to ITO to become a wonderful executive who would
come back and handle everything and make life wonderful for all those
who remained behind.  So I quit my moonlight, and moved to Hollywood.
     It was there that I learned what real Scientology was.  I saw the
bad situation.  I was at ITO where the staff there would only get beans
and rice to eat for weeks on end.  I was at an org where you were on
course from 7 am to 10 pm.  And if you should, gods forbid, need a
review you could count on getting audited every few days, but only if
you got the direct intervention of CMO ((Commodore's Messenger Org)) or
a student from a higher org.
     But I dealt with all that, because I could sneak off and read tech
vols or other books.  (Admitted overts on my part.) At length, I did
complete my Objectives, Student Hat, Key to Life, Life Orientation
Course, and I started my M1 ((Method 1 Word Clearing)) But all this took
9 months to do.  Plus the whole time, my family back home got more and
more concerned (non-sci) and started to become a problem.  So after I
finished my PC on M1, (and was routed to 'ethics' (ha ha)) I blew.
     I got my little brother to drive the 15 hours from home to get me.
and I drove home.
     After coming back ((home)), I talked to the ED and the D/ED
((Executive Director and Deputy ED)) for several hours.  And I felt bad
because I had let them down, and they helped me feel that I could
confront the situation, again.
     So I was flown back out to Holywood.  And I spent 3 weeks in
'ethics' again.  (quotations used to indicate here a somewhat non-
standard application of same.)  I looked at the situation, and even
after my sec-check (several hours of auditing all in one day!) I knew
the game there was not for me.  For this I was sent back to review,
because I obviously must have done my LOC wrong (a person's HAT IN LIFE
is not supposed to be anything other than executive, when you get your
LOC at ITO!) this all happened in September.
     In December, I decided that I was going home for Christmas.  I was
still in review, and was put on other courses until my cycle in review
was handled.  (Again, ha ha) So on Dec 24th I went home.  And I later
told my org to make out my free loader's debt, because I wasn't going
back to ITO.
     ITO called me Dec 28th (1991) and said that I had to come back to
take my place in the New Years Eve event.  I said no.  Some kid from CMO
Int called me the next day, and said that if I wasn't at the event to
stand on stage with the rest of the OEC/FEBC students, he was going to
declare me himself.  And this scared me.  So I talked to the ED at my
org and told her the situation.  She told me that he couldn't declare
me, and that he was covering his own ass.  So I didn't go back.
     Later I found out my freeloader debt, $19,000+ for my time at ITO.
And another $8,000 for the tiny bit I did locally.
     It took me 5 months to get the Dir Income ITO, to stop calling my
house demanding I send money.  Now they just send statements each month.
     My own org left me alone.  (They even dead-filed me, I told a few
of them what had happened and they must have thought some of it their
fault because they sent such a 'greenie.') That is, until now.
     In the last week, it seems that my org has a new FBO.  ((Financial
Banking Officer)) And because of her foreign accent, I'd have to guess
that she is SO. She calls me every damn day.  Her whole life's purpose
is to call me and tell me how wrong I am not to pay back the $8,000 her
job is to collect.  She tells me how its not okay.  And that I am
ruining my 3rd dynamic.
     This brings me to my PTP.  If I tell her to fuck off, I can assume
that she (being the on-purpose **** she is) will invoke the "does not
return in a reasonable amount of time...  automatic declare..." clause.
Until now I had thought that the Scientology definition of 'reasonable'
would keep me from SP status.  Now, I don't know.  I dont really want to
be declared.  I haven't had to ever suppress Scientology before.  But
how can you tell your friends "Scientology can help," and mean it, if
you then have to turn around and say "but if you get involved with it,
you'll have to never speak to me or be connected with me anymore."????!
     If they label you suppressive, how can you be otherwise?
     Then I started paying attention to your postings, and I read the
Capt Bill stuff.  Now my question, to you is.  Can a person who has been
declared by the current church, get auditing in the Free Zone?  How do
you get materials?  Meters and such?
     I read some of this stuff and get case gain, for the first time in
2 yrs.  I have hope again.  After reading that current Scientology might
be a big, expensive trap (full agreement here on expensive!)  I dont
think I should pay them anything.
     I just want to know, can I safely tell these people that I have no
plan to pay them any more money.  Because I am almost certain they will
declare me.
     Is it out-ethics for me to not pay my freeloader's debt?  The
contract says you must pay it before you can receive any training or
processing.  But if that is an agreeable limitation to one, is it still
out-ethics to not pay?  Do I have to change sides before I feel good
about not paying.  I suppose I could give them $5 per month.
     Having been a staff member, and having, I'm sure, dealt with this
same kind of crap, do you have any advice for me?
     Dear D.
     I have received your letter, give me some time to digest it.  You
need to rehab what you learned on the KTL and LOC courses, and keep your
own space clean in spite of everyone telling you that YOU are out
ethics.  It may be a very complicated mixture of out ethics on all
sides.  Your duties are to truth first, yourself second, and everyone
else including Ron third.
     You can actually blow Scientology by NOT leaving your post or the
Org if the Org is blown as a whole.   Any criminal will tell you that
you are out ethics for not letting him suck your blood.  If you FALL for
it, you ethics ARE out!
     Are you sucking anyone's blood, and making them wrong for not
letting you?  If not, then you are safe and will be able to tell right
from wrong after the restimulation clears.  Being able to talk about it
with someone who is not dramatizing will help.
     Just don't do anything rash, most of the world's Scientologists are
declared people in the field.  Probably the first thing you need to do
is declare a PROPER condition for yourself, maybe doubt eh?  Then TALK
TO THE FIELD, talk to Enid Vien, talk to Flemming Funch, Talk to
Filbert.  Just TALK TO THEM to get their viewpoint, see the tone level
they are in, the humor, the reality, see if there is any agreement or
as-isness taking place.  Then go back and talk to your org terminals and
see where they are at.
     This will give you a datum of comparable magnitude to judge each
side against the other.
     You may decide there is a problem to be spotted in your Org or its
upstream command lines, but not a terminal problem.  You can get so
swamped by lies and charge that you fail to localize the source.  If the
whole thing seems to be rotten to the core, THEN you have a duty to
leave and re establish operating tech free from their influence.  If you
think you can continue to work in the Orgs, then you have a duty to
     There are laws against credit collectors, you can also talk to a
credit agency or lawyer about how to shut the credit collectors up,
including your FBO friend.
     She is just dramatizing her job trying to win brownie points.  She
has no ability to BE YOU and see what you are going through and why.
     Mainly you have to find a space that is truly yours, and lock into
the power that comes from maintaining your position in YOUR space.  Many
people are finding power by maintaining their position in someone else's
space, which usually comes with a license to survive and ridiculous
conditions of fulfillment and blind obedience.
     If you decide to leave the physical location of your Org, and the
command lines of your Bridge and post, just make sure that you take the
tech with you, because someday, as you apply the tech to the rest of the
world, you will have to come back to where you left and clean it up too.
Don't stop using what you know just because you have to use it on your
own house (your Org), and have to vacate it for a while to clear out the
     As I said, give me a day or two to think about this, and you should
consider talking to field people to get a REAL reality on what they are
like.  Communication with the declared SP is forbidden only to protect
you from enturbulation.  If you are in doubt about your protectors, then
you HAVE to communicate and find out for yourself what is true.
     Are you reading
     If not you need to browse the archives at
     Download and read ADO1.MEMO and the CONTENTS.MEMO and what ever
else interests you.
     I will get back to you.  You can call Flemming at 1 818 774 1462,
he is very friendly, he is an OT XVI.  Filbert is at 206 453 8622, Enid
Vien is 619 462 5160.  Bob Ross is at 818 353 1209.  I got some others,
if you want them.  These guys I know well.
     Dear Homer,
     You ask: "Are you reading a.c.t?"
     Yes.  In truth, now that I think about it, a.c.t. was key in my
finding my current condition.  Until a week or so ago, I was in
confusion completely.  Confusion on my situation in Scientology, in
life, in everything.  When I did desert my post in January '92.  I felt
that I had betrayed everyone.  And after finding a F/L debt which in
dollars is almost what I earn for 2 years of work.  I felt a tremendous
loss, in my mind, just the monetary amount made me think that I'd have
to wait until next lifetime to do the bridge.
     But I do know of, and in the last 24 hours my printer
has turned out a large stack of paper.  I will go though it.  I will
find what is out there.  And I have assigned myself a condition of
     As far as my debt goes, in the wog world the Scientologists have no
legal way to make me pay it.  They have no legal right to harass me
about it.  And I have been able to cut any comm between myself and the
FBO.  ((Flag Banking Officer)) My family is all too willing to "protect
me" from the Scientologists.
     So for now I am safe, and have been able to regain my rationality
regarding the subject.
     I think that I just had to find a terminal who would be able to
understand my situation.  I have plenty of friends who I could tell this
to, but they would have no reality.  I haven't been able to talk to
anyone at my own org.  Mostly this is due to reorganization there.  I
had the old management (and myself) convinced that I was just trying to
make more money and pay things off, etc.  But now the old ED is gone.
     If I were to make up a list of all the fucked up, off policy, out
tech, and out ethics situations I have experienced in my 2 1/2 years of
being on staff or at ITO.....  Well, I couldn't confront it then.  But
when I talk to people at the org, or from ITO the message is, "Things
are a lot different now."
     ( I am rambling.  I am in doubt.  I need to do the condition.  I
     Anyway, you ask that I give you a couple days.  Not a problem.  I
will be busy reading issues, printouts from, and I don't have
anything else to do tomorrow but check out the PT local org situation.
     I still get off on surprising the hell out people.  My just walking
in to the local org will do that quite well.
     Dear D.,
     Ok, I got this.
     Part of doing a doubt formula is separating out all the issues and
doing a doubt formula on each separate one and all the parties involved.
     Yourself, your family, your friends, LRH, The Church, Your Org,
Specific terminals in your Orgs, me etc.
     You may find that the enturbulation of one is bleeding over into
others and making you doubt the whole when only a part is rotten.
     You also have to separate out carefully those who care for you but
who, for what ever reason, don't really know what is good for you.  They
need special consideration because their intentions are good, but if you
do what they say you may not be happy.  If you do the right thing
though, they may not be happy, until at least you can get them to
understand, which may be a big present time problem for you that gets in
the way of dealing with the real enturbulation.
     The next thing, in the case of situations where the 'good guys and
the bad guys' are highly polarized and not talking to each other, such
as the Church and the Field you may find that your own group will
condemn you for even trying to talk to the bad guys.  They will consider
that being in doubt makes you in enemy, which of course is nonsense.
     This will usually be because someone has something to hide of their
own, and they don't want you talking to the bad guys because you might
find out something about the good guys and actually become an enemy.  So
they tend to declare you ahead of schedule.
     However you can not do a doubt formula from an ivory tower.  You
can not judge the Church from outside the Church, you can't judge LRH
never having read him DIRECTLY, and you can't judge the field never
having actually talked to them at length.  It takes real live
communication to determine the purposes, abilities and stats of a person
or group.  You can't allow what SOMEONE ELSE TELLS YOU ABOUT someone to
substitute for direct communication.
     So when you talk to the Church, don't let them TELL you about LRH
or the Field.  When you talk to the Field, don't let them TELL you about
LRH or the Church.  When you talk to LRH, don't let him TELL you about
the Field or the Church.  Let each tell you only of themselves and show
you what they know and can do.  It's ok to use what others say about
others as reference, but if you don't verify it YOURSELF you are sunk.
     Lastly, hurry is a waste of time with a doubt formula.
     From Adore,
     'The Hurry of Impending Mortal Doom,
     The Hurry of Impending Eternal Doom.'
     This idea that all will be lost in this life if you don't hurry and
make the right decision is other's way of making you make the wrong
decision.  Making the wrong decision can kill you, but putting the TIME
constraint on how fast you need to make it is usually an arbitrary put
there by people who don't want you to have any time to think.
     If you took 5 years to do your doubt formula, and 5 years to finish
your Bridge, you would still be way ahead of the game.
     Just remember there are MORE Scientologists in the field than in
the Church.  The Bridge providers are very dispersed in the field, but
they are ubiquitous.  You might starve to death finding them, but its
not like they aren't there, or like there is no Bridge in the Field, or
like they will reject you because you are still loyal to the Church.
     Royalty is loyalty, so stack your priorities in a row, and start at
the top and reaffirm your loyalties to each item in turn down the line
until you find one that conflicts with higher ones.  The lower one goes.
     You might consider the dynamics a sequence of loyalties, starting
off with the first dynamic at the top, the second just under, then
third.  You can't have any dynamics if you don't have a first so it is
most important.  Your second is what gave birth to your first, your
family and ancestors, so they are next most important.  Your second is
also what will create future first dynamics for you in future lives,
your mate, your kids, their mates and kids etc.  Your full second
dynamic is this whole conglomeration of second dynamics where in life
begets life, past, present and future.
     ((In Adore the second dynamic is not considered just sex and
children, it is considered the whole chain of ancestry into the past and
into the future.  Your parents and grandparents therefore are just as
much a part of your second dynamic as is your mate, children and grand
children, and all of their parents, mates and children.))
     Scientology, LRH, the Church, the Field, these are all third
dynamics and comes next in the list.
     Remember that loyalty and honor is not OBEDIENCE.  You can be loyal
to someone even though you don't agree with their view of the cosmic all
and don't do what they want you to do.  Your duty is to your own
reality, to do your best for all these people and friends and dynamics,
even if they are screaming for you to do something else.  People rarely
know what's good for them, YOU rarely know what's good for you right?
But you are all you got, so listening to them is an abandonment of YOU.
     Only listen to others when you absolutely can't make up your mind
for yourself, and only then if life and limb depend on making a hurried
decision.  Then you pick your most trusted and knowledgeable and highest
tone terminal and do what THEY say, if you can even get them to do
anything else but audit you.
     Most good friends will give you questions, enemies will give you
answers.  That is just the auditing comm cycle at work.
     Friends question, enemies answer.
     If you want I will pass your two letters to me to various field
members, some of whom have e-mail, but a communication to the 'enemy'
may get you in dire trouble with your present friends, so such a
decision to communicate must come from your own determinism, which is
why I gave you those phone numbers, you can call them when you are ready
and have the plan and the equanimity to do it.
     There are others though in Europe and the US who you might
eventually want to contact, by fax or e-mail.  I have a number of high
powered Field OT's on line here, kind of staying Fabian, but the numbers
I gave you are good starts because those guys are strong enough to stick
their necks out publicly.
     It is with pleasure that I tell you I have made a lot of case gain
this past little while.  In the last week I have been able to make sense
of a lot of my confusion and I have a much better reality of my own
purposes and goals.
     In the cd4.memo I read about a situation that I myself observed in
the church.  Management is run by children.  Kids who never went to
school in society.  Kids who have no reality on what life is.  It is
true that they have no regard for the rest of the world.  They believe
their own existence and the existence of Scientology is paramount to
everything and everybody.
     I cannot agree with this.
     I have a new reality.  I have answered so many of my own questions.
All those things which occurred while I was in Scientology that never
had satisfactory answers--these do have explanations now.  And those
explanations are not very pretty.
     At the local org, they have 40,000 or so names in central files.
When I was there last they had more than 38,000.  But of those people,
only 80 or so will ever come to an event.  And of those 80 only a few
are actually taking services.  Look at the percentages.  The field is at
least ARC broken with the org.  No doubt there are some who think
Scientology is all bunk but what of the rest?
     How many people get blown away by the prices?  I did at first.
     It seems that the effect of a Class V org is to ARC break the
field.  I know that the "Class V" org in A., had all of 3 staff members
in '91 when they sent their ED to ITO.  ((ED = Executive Director, ITO =
International Training ORG))
     And they still were supposedly able to deliver services up to (but
not including) clear.  Is this all the people they could find in A.?
     There was a fantastic report about all the people on KTL at the B.
org, just after it came out.  ((KTL = Key To LIfe Course))The reported
figure was something like 200 people paid for service.  Now there aren't
that many people in all of the US on KTL.  Sure it's a good course, but
I don't believe it is worth the outrageous fee they ask for it.  And if
you have to pay Flag rates on it its $10,000.  That is what they charged
me for it.
     Plus, now the cadet org uses the KTL course as the way to teach
grammar.  (I assume they do, having been on course with the kids they
were training for that purpose.) KTL is not now, nor will it ever be a
substitute for "English" classes.
     My problem is with the people who got me on staff in the first
place.  These are people who seemed so on purpose.  They work full time
at the org for peanuts.  Why?  How can they look at what is going on,
and not understand.  How can they receive all these programs from int
management and not say, "what the fuck is going on here?"
     Do they really believe that the people above know best?  Or are
they afraid of loosing their upper levels, or what?  I don't get it.
     When I blew ITO, I felt bad about it.  But not because I thought I
should be where I was.  More that my friends would be upset with me.
They were supposedly counting on me to get through and come back to
handle things.  That is the only regret I ever had about leaving.
     When I left ITO I knew it was for the best.  In fact, I later heard
that my blowing brought changes to the org, it got the attention of
management.  Some kind soul even sent me the whole report on the
situation.  And I was told that things were changed.
     However, I have to question even that point.  Because my twin C.
who went there a week before I did, IS STILL THERE!!!!  I cannot even
get a comm through to her.  All my inquiries get answered with, "she's
done with the training part, and just getting auditing."
     The only auditing that is part of one's TIP there is FPRD.  ((TIP =
Training Program, FPRD = False Purpose Rundown)) Does it really take
eight months to receive an FPRD?  I doubt it.  Especially since I've
seen people go through the whole thing in two weeks, even in the "make
it go right" Sea Org, where you can serve Ron all your life and never
make it to clear.  Things are just not right.
     I once had the audacity to tell the Dir Income ITO, who used to
call my house, that I wasn't going to pay my F/L debt.  ((F/L = Free
Loader's debt)) I told her, "when I can be on staff and still afford to
live; I'll finish my contract." Her only reply was something to the
effect that I was out-exchange and that if I would just set up payments,
my life would be better.  (But she didn't call me anymore.)
     Later another person from LA, I think some CMO ((Commodore's
Messenger Org)) person, called to tell me that I had to pay her the
$20,000.  I told her I had no money.  And she then told me, "We found
some out-tech in the LOC course.." Stuff on this line saying my LOC was
done incorrectly.  (of course no one ever offered to fix my LOC, if that
was true.)
     ((They ALWAYS SAY THAT.  "We found some out tech with your
services", or "Things have CHANGED, now they are different." This NEVER
     (My LOC course may not have been standardly done, though.  I do
have some problems with the course.  If I could afford the $800 pack,
I'd rip out the non-LRH data and redo it myself.  You'd be amazed at the
amount of PR bullshit in the LOC course.)
     From them all along it has been a no auditing, no help, no game
     ITO is delivering OVERT PRODUCTS.  Although I don't have access to
stats Internationally anymore I can still show you an FEBC ((Flag
Executive Briefing Course)) grad who now works as a Course Supervisor.
Because his stats as the ED crashed his org.  And I have knowledge of
other grads from that time period at ITO.  I'm willing to wager that
they all have the similar problems.
     Another FEBC, who I was at ITO with, came on mission to my org.
While he was here, he got it into his head to "handle" me.  But he was
the most feeble executive I have ever seen.  Despite his impressive
white and gold uniform, despite his FEBC cert, despite the way all the
staff and public were afraid of him, he couldn't handle me or anyone
     I'll confess one of my more evil deeds here.  I did not want to
talk to him at all.  I did not want anyone on my case about not being on
staff.  Yet he persisted.  And he started causing problems by calling
all the time.  So I finally gave in to his idea that we should meet and
discuss the situation.  So later that night, I went up to the org.  I
did this just late enough that the public and most of the staff would be
     This would leave the missionaries and a few execs, the only people
there.  And the execs would be rushing around trying to keep the
missionaries happy.  Plus the missionaries would be trying to get all
their telexes sent regarding their day's progress.  In this way I knew I
would not be up against an interrogation, I was almost certain that they
wouldn't expect me to show up anyway.
     When I got there this guy who had been calling me turned out to be
the mission leader (or whatever they call themselves) and he talked to
me personally.  But he didn't handle me.  I assured him that I had
gotten case gain and that I still thought of myself as a Scientologist
You know the usual "are you an SP?" stuff.
     I did get in comm with him and for a while I even thought that he
was going to help me.  I still had the same purpose, and everything.  I
still had faith that the "FEBC evolution" would in fact be what was
needed to clear the planet, expand orgs, and just generally make things
great.  If he would've even given me the idea that he and other FEBCs
were handling things, I was prepared to jump back on staff.
     He gave me no such indication.  He came across as a complete
asshole.  I told him that I wanted to pay my debt (I did) but that I
could not see how I could come up with $20,000 any time in the near
future.  He said I should join staff.  I told him that I would not join
staff if it meant that I had to moonlight nights and weekends like I had
done before.  He told me not to worry because HE was there, and
everything would be okay.
     I had to call him on that bullshit right there and then.  I asked
how many staff members there were now.  He was more than proud to tell
me how HE had gotten 5 full-time contracts signed since he arrived.
Then I blew his airy-fairy attitude of "everything will be okay." I
asked what the GI ((Gross Income)) was for that week.  (By knowing the
GI and the number of staff, one can figure one's pay.) He suddenly
realized that I wasn't going to be taken in by his bullshit.
     He got just the slightest bit defensive.  And this is where I
started to doubt that he was not going to help me.  He had tried to get
me to go along with good PR.
     HEY!  I have been duped enough times already by "good PR." I
started to blow him off.  I let him know that I intended to leave.  He
started talking to me about how I should join the SO.  About how
wonderful it was, how survival it is.
     (BULLSHIT!!!  I have seen the way people live in the SO.  It is
survival for Scientology, maybe.  But even the idea that I might
possibly have to exist on beans and rice?  No buddy, that doesn't fit
anywhere in the survival scale for me.  To work hard is one thing.  To
live a semi-militant life, having my whole existence subject to
another's orders, never being alone, always being at odds with the
group-think.  No no no no no no no no no.  I will not submit.  And even
the idea that I might have kids, who would have to then attend the cadet
org!!!!  OH MY GOD, NO!  The S in SO is SLAVERY.  I know plenty of long
time SO members.  And how far are they on the bridge?  Only as far as
they were when they joined the SO!!  If you had to subject yourself to
the master to attain freedom, that is one thing.  But to enslave
yourself to the whims of group-think, with only a hope of being free?
     And then he tried to sign me up!  By this time I knew he was no
help.  I politely told him no.  I said I had other fish to fry.  Then he
changed his whole line.  He started to tell me how he didn't think I was
suppressive, and that I would do the right thing.
     But then he gave me an opportunity to be evil.  He went totally
out- tech!  He did his own version of a blown student assessment form!
And he explained it real neat, "This is not auditing, but I want to find
out why you REALLY left ITO." And then he went on, "I know you didn't
get very far on your TIP.  How far did you get?"
     So I told him, "I only got to my M1." ((Method 1 Word Clearing))
     And I READ HIS MIND as he thought, "Ah good.  He wont know the
policy, he wont realize that this should be done by an auditor.  I won't
have any problems with this." This is the only instance where I can
honestly say I have clearly read someone's mind.  I can normally get an
idea of what someone is thinking and feeling.  But I cannot clearly read
     And I let him do his thing.  I answered his questions.
     And then I intended to, and did miss his withhold.  Just so he
would leave me alone.  Just so he wouldn't want to talk to me.  Just so
he wouldn't want anyone else to talk to me.  I did it to be left alone.
     How evil is it to intentionally miss someone's withhold?  Or is it
evil at all?  Since I know about M/W/H phenomena, is that just another
tool?  I believe it is okay to use force in a just cause.  But is that a
justified use of force?
     On the one hand, I could say "hey, I don't know if what he did was
out-tech.  He did it.  It is his withhold.  It is his own damn fault.
Plus I know that he got sec-checked on completion of his mission.
Surely they would have pulled it.  And it did get him off my case."
     On the other hand, I am afraid of justifying the situation.  I
think, "Would I want someone else to do that to me?" No.  But I also
think that something like that would not happen to me.  I would not
knowingly go out-tech.  And knowing about missed withholds, I try to
follow the clean hands clean heart way of life.  There have been times
when I caught myself telling a lie and the other person seemed to miss
it.  In that case I confess directly, or I make up more and more
outlandish shit on the same line until I am certain the other person
knows it was a lie.  And then everybody gets a laugh.
     So I personally feel impervious to that kind of attack.  And I know
in New Slant on Life, it says you can do anything that you could
yourself experience easily.  But I don't know.  I cant help but think,
that I should have a higher standard than that.  I wish I had the
strength of character to call things as they are.  I wish I were able
to, in the same situation, tell someone, "Hey, asshole, I wont go into
agreement with you on this.  I wont pretend that I think you can help
me.  And I wont let you believe that you are helping me."
     But I am too afraid to do it.  In the rest of the world I could.
At work I could easily put someone in their place.  I don't grant anyone
the power to affect me.  And furthermore, I care enough about everyone
else not to fuck with their minds.
     Come to think about it.  I have serious problems standing up to
anyone in a uniform.  Police, Military, Sea Org, even a fucking full
dressed Scout Master have given me troubles.
     There may be more to this.
     I didn't really intend to spend 2 hours writing this.  I didn't
intend to pile all this on your plate.  I had a point to all this when I
started.  But, oh well.
     I will send this anyway.  I have tried twice before, to tell you of
my progress.  But both attempts turned into "look what those bastards
have done to me." And I didn't want to send them.  I feel much better
just having typed them into my computer.  One was all about my adventure
with the KTL and LOC courses.  The other was complete entheta which I
was going to send but then realized that I had inflated the truth a bit.
     And I have raised my own standards.
     I am ME.  I will not ever let anyone say otherwise.
     I can make my OWN decisions.  I do not need anyone's approval for
what I do or have done.
     I have the right to live in any condition I choose.  If I want to
stay in doubt forever, I CAN.  No one can MAKE me change my condition.
Not the SO, not Scientology, not my parents, not my friends.  (Not that
I want to be in doubt forever, but the idea that some dildo with an
Ethics Hat can "push" me up the conditions, is false.  Conditions are
used on one's own determinism.)
     These are statements of my own reality.  Having gone the effect of
these previously, I resolve not to compromise with my reality again.
     (How I misjudged the importance of the Code of Honor.  I just never
had a reality on it before.  No reality on Honor.  I couldn't even
understand the Code of Honor the first time I ran across it.  That I can
apply it now shows how far I have come.)
     Dear D.,
     This is great D.
     Please keep me informed of further cognitions and resolutions.
     You know I will tell you the scariest thing I have learned from
talking with you.  When I was with Scientology in 1976 things were still
sane, decent and somewhat human.  It was tough and no nonsense, but it
wasn't really insane.  But it was on the verge of not working, the tech
was GONE, the C/S really didn't know what they were doing but they were
still riding the wave of the first 20 years of success.  The people
there were real human beings who had lived in the wog world for most of
their lives and could go back to it if they had to.
     Now you talk about the kids in the Orgs who have no wog experience.
     It is almost like a new class of citizen is being made that is so
out of contact with the real world that they might not be able to make
it in the real world if the Church should ever fail financially.  I
wonder if they have any clue as to how close to the brink of disaster
they are.
     I am sure you know there are a lot of people who have or are going
through what you are going through.  It is heart rendering to have the
dream stepped on so hard, especially when you know the dream is true.
     The hardest thing for me, even in 1976, was not knowing there was
an alternative, I didn't know the field existed.  I knew that OT's would
'blow', but where the hell did they go?
     Even after I was routed off, I STILL didn't know about the field
for years and years, until about 1985.  I was all alone.  Then I find
out the field is alive and well and fighting like hell with the Church
and always had been.  And where the hell had I been during all that
time?  Hiding in my squirrel hole, nursing my wounds ALONE, figuring
there WAS no one else, that's where.
     I had this stupid computation that I was the only person who had
blown who was still interested in the tech and making it go right.
     You think I could have been any more wrong?  God, there is a lot of
charge on this.
     Sometimes just knowing that there are alternatives is enough to
keep people going and operating IN the Church, even if they think it is
a lost cause, because they know they can make it go right elsewhere
should all be lost.  Knowing there is an elsewhere allows them to REMAIN
where they are with less desperation and hopelessness, and they make
better decisions while they remain because they are not so frantic and
they remain on their own determinism, just because they CAN leave.
     Having an other place to be that you can be and want to be allows a
person to remain where he is for longer and maintain his sanity and do
the right thing.  When people have an alternative to staying they are
more free to choose to stay and act sanely.
     When people think they HAVE to stay, they begin to panic when they
realize they don't want to stay because its a sinking ship.  The guy who
thinks he can get off the ship safely before it sinks is much more
likely to stay on the ship to the last minute in a cool, calm and
rational fashion, than the guy who thinks he has no alternative but to
sink with the ship, and he will jump ship as soon as possible over other
people's dead and trampled bodies.
     Thus the existence of the field and awareness of the field in
people's mind who are still in the Church provides a powerful buffer for
them to REMAIN in the Church for as long as they can and do their best
for the Church.  It is a tragic waste for them to live so long under
such duress under the fear that there is no alternative.  People do not
make good decisions in panic or desperation.  Just knowing about the
field can be enough to cool out the panic and desperation just enough to
maybe pull the Church around.
     Thus for me it is critical FOR THE SURVIVAL OF THE CHURCH that
people in the Church know about the field.  It might keep a few from
going nuts.
     Your write up to me is quite brilliant, and I would like you to
consider the possibility some time in the future of posting it to the
net, either with or without your name attached.  There is no dishonor to
anonymity.  I can post it for you if you wish, along with this response,
no name attached.
     Give it a thought, and keep me informed.
     If you believe that others will be helped by reading the
information I have been sending to you, and you are willing to remove
any names mentioned I grant you permission to post my write-up to the
     The information in my write-up will no doubt be recognized as me.
I am sure that a.r.s.  and a.c.t.  are read daily by terminals in the
church.  However, I am prepared for any action the church might take
against me.
     I do still hope that a way can be found to turn the church into
what the PR says it is.  And if I find a way to help that, I will.
     Can the church be saved?  I have met some very wonderful people in
the church.  People who really could make things go right.  People who
truly care about helping this planet out.  The only question is: Do all
the people who are still in the church have enough responsibility to
handle it.  Is the church making OTs who are OT enough to divert the
self-destruct path of Scientology.
     Please include this when you post.