Being 100 percent ARC broke with all of existence, it is hard for
me to conceive that everyone else is not also in the same state.
     I am so ARC broke, that my body is literrally dying of it.
     It's tempting to say, well Homer, maybe you are ARC broke,
because you feel so bad all day long, if only you felt good in your
body, then you wouldn't feel so bad about your future etc.
     But I gotta look at it, a lot of people who 'feel good' seem to
be for the birds, you know what I mean?
     So I figure I should look at it the other way around, my body is
dying, because my spirit is 100 percent out of affinity, reality and
communication with what is.
     That would be enough to kill anyone, right?
     Lots of people claim to be happy, claim to conceive an endlessly
beautiful future, claim to be satisfied with their lot in life, etc,
but they also seem to adorn themselves with small minded views of how
they got here and where they are and where they are going, and they
have interesting justifications about the mess everyone else is in.
     They seem to be operating a make right, similar to a make wrong,
but its a way to make everything OK, when it isn't.
     They can't be audited out of it, because then they are back in
their death forever/hell forever mentality that they are just sure
they can never handle.

     One of the things that the proof did for me was get rid of all of
the make rights.  That of course leaves me face to face with the raw
fundamental make wrong, namely of all that is.

     I try to go find some comfortable view of the cosmic all, but the
Proof keeps saying "Yeah right, lie to me some more why don't you."
     So the 'better' I get, the worse I get because the more I see
that things are just 'fundamentally' unacceptable.
     Presumably this fundamental unacceptability is based on a lie, an
alteris of a fundamentally acceptable higher truth, but I am not sure,
and that sources a tremendous amount of fear.

     No Peace.
     Basically I can not reconcile what is with what I want.

     I am so far gone on this problem that I can no longer even
conceive what I want.

     What wants I can dredge up seem irrelevant in the face of the
AE's that I have gone through over 30 years.

     I just want it all to end and to never have been.

     I have managed to wrap a cocoon around myself of comfortable
numbness.  Here I can hope, pray and pretend that there is a
comfortable solution to my dilemma, I am plagued by the fear that
there might not be such a thing, although hope and some of my lower
visions shows me that there might be such a thing.

     But hope is doubt, and doubt is self casting, doubt on these
matters generates enough poison feeling to kill anything let alone
little old me.
     So I fear to find out, lest I doubt more, the comfortable
numbness of not knowing and hoping is better than facing the cold
stark terror that pretended death forever is the only alternative to
hell forever.

     I can hear the tittering of the butterflies now, they can not
take this seriously.

     Nor could they create the situation.


Homer Wilson Smith     News, Web, Telnet      Art Matrix - Lightlink
(607) 277-0959         E-mail, FTP, Shell     Internet Access, Ithaca NY