The usual pattern is this.
     Auditor finds an item that the pc is vaguely interested in or not
interested in but reading.  Auditor insists on running it, pc
protests, heart falling, finally pc gives in and runs it anyhow, "as
auditor knows best and if pc knew what was wrong with him it wouldn't
be wrong with him."
     Somewhere in the middle of running this item, maybe an hour and a
half into it, the pc grinds to a halt, the auditor mistakes tight for
heavy and insists that the pc continue to run the process.  Pc's heart
falls more, and has a decision to make.  He either blows session or
     I have blown session at times.  Harry Palmer did a preacceptance
auditing DoP interview on me, and one of the questions was "Have you
ever refused to run an item or process that was C/S'd for you?" I saw
right a way that this C/S wanted a subservient pc.

     The answer was of course yes, I had continued for a long time in the
Church, 200 hours, until they gave up and put me on CCH's.  In the middle
of one session I refused, was forced, finished the session with a 'win'
that made me wrong, and then wouldn't go on.

     I continued for a while with Harry too, until finally I refused
outright.  I got tired of fixing the stupid crash and burns every
night after his sessions.
     So in the middle of the process when it begins to grind tight,
the pc has a decision to make.  Usually I continue.

     But at this point I am more soloing my way out of the process
than running the process, sort of half and half, undoing the damage as
we continue.  Running item A is restimming correct item B more than
running item A is releasing, so if I keep unknown item B run as we
continue to run item A, then I can continue.
     Eventually I have a win, sometimes a *BIG* win, usually after a
long time, near desperation, totally enduring, just going on to please
the auditor and keep my own hope alive.
     Then the auditor acknowledges the win and says "See I told you
so, I was right and you were wrong, this was a correct item to run and
if we continue to run these items that have been C/S'd for you we will
continue to win just as you have.  We have to get the surface charge
off before we can get to the core, you have to give it TIME."
     He may not say it that way, but its implied and often gets said
that way later.

     Now sitting in possibly the biggest win of my life, its hard to argue
with that, also it would crash me to get invovled in making the SP wrong,
so I tend to agree, I just want to get out of session a fast as possible,
and clean up the mess left over myself, and keep the big win around as
long as possible.  The auditor usually wants to run havingness which is
totally stupid useless process, and I want nothing of it, 

     I do agree willingly to another session hoping that the next one will
be easier than this one but I know I don't have it in me to do this one
     But then I crash and burn.  This happens because the correct item
that really needed to be run was not run and in fact was restimmed
more than the big win released no matter how big it was.  This results
in the feeling that one's case is going up the bridge with one,
because the bigger the wins, the bigger the crash and burns afterwards
and the bigger the hopelessness that ensues.
     This happened through all my auditing in the Church, all my auditing
with Harry, all my auditing with Filbert, and all my auditing with Robert. 
The only time it doesn't happen is with my solo, but the big wins
are not as big.

     People can say well Homer you are getting auditing from the wrong
people, but that is a wrong why.  The correct why is I am being audited on
the wrong item, something EVERYONE will do just as badly as anyone else.
At least with solo I run the item that reads and wants to be run and when
it grinds I find the next item.  I do not mistake tightness for heaviness. 

     After a while the pc just doesn't want more auditing because he's
just to exhausted to deal with more wrong indications that produce big
    Now thinking about "What is bothering me" a quick set of answers
come to mind.
    "I want to know how I got here."
    "I want to know how to get out of here."
    "I want to know how to never come back."
     Further assessment would have to be done to determine just
what 'here' is refering to.

     Bodies?  Life? Earth?  Universe?  Consiousness? Mortality?
Immortality? Existence? Anything? 

     No reads, TA = 5.75.
     But its there, and this is the big must never happen again in the
     Now let's talk about the big win with Robert, second session I think.
     It was a visionary ascension experience, I saw a dicom as big as
the universe, I described it as the Temple of God, as it controlled
and was the theme for all games played in this universe and on this
     The dicom was
     Magnificence and Anti Magnificence.
     It powered the impulse to create magnificences opposed by the
creation of Anti Magnificence, lovingly referred to as MESS by Adore,
Magnificent Examples of Shames and Shambles.

     This was a real vision though, it wasn't just head talk the way
Adore is.

     I saw the game postulate between them, and I saw that we are all
playing that game whether we want to or not.
     What I didn't see was where I had chosen to enter that game or
why or how to get out of it.

     I became aware of the overwhelming force/beauty/ugly of the
dicom, and was able to let go of it a bit so that it wasn't killing
me, and my breathing has gone from totally desperate to just barely
not desperate, which is a total miracle, but I was not able to attain
responsibilily for the dicom game nor willingness to have been or be
in it, let alone be in it again.

     Thus probably the crash and burn afterwards.

     As high as it was, it was still an EFFECT condition.

     I think this is the a pattern of all my AE's, some of which go
many millions of times higher than this one, its always, well I see
that now, but I still don't see where *I* had any choice or
willingness in the matter.  So the ARC break with Source and myself
continues and in fact gets worse.